A BARBECUE GUIDE FOR CANADIAN POLITICIANS
Don’t wear bike shorts, don’t bring Camembert and don’t get drunk, writes Chris Lackner.
After being grilled in the House all year long, our federal party leaders face an even fierier grill over the next two months: the summer barbecue circuit.
What’s that? Everyone can relax at a good BBQ, you say? Not true. Not everyone. Not aspiring prime ministers during an election year.
This weekend’s Calgary Stampede, where Stephen Harper, Justin Trudeau and Tom Mulcair are all glad-handing, marks the unofficial kickoff of political barbecue season.
Most of us go to a summer barbecue hoping for nothing more than a second helping of potato salad, an ice cold beer and a sunny day to work on our tan. Leaders go to such events trying to win votes. That’s right. Their job is to convince Canadians enjoying one of their few good-weather days of the year to actually care about what happens on Parliament Hill — Don Quixote had better odds.
Theirs is a foolhardy mission fraught with constant peril and endless political landmines. From fundraisers and festivals to picnics, the pressure is on as they travel coast to coast. That’s why I’ve created an etiquette guide to help our party’s head honchos survive their busy grill marathon. This is how to be a politician at a BBQ without getting burned.
WHAT TO EAT
Beef is always the safest choice. Just ask yourself this: can voters truly trust the nation to someone who willingly chooses a hotdog over a hamburger? And avoid messy sides like corn on the cob — especially if you’re sporting a beard or moustache. You don’t want to be permanently nicknamed Cornbeard after that photo goes viral on social media, do you?
WHAT TO DRINK
Lemonade is the common folk’s seasonal drink of choice — and even better if you can buy it from an earnest child’s stand. But if you want to venture into alcohol, best to nurse a solitary beer. Maybe a glass of sangria. Don’t show up and starting asking for bottles of champagne; they’re only served at senators’ summer parties.
WHAT TO BRING
Fresh watermelon, pie or ice cream. All three are foolproof crowd pleasers. No Camembert or other fancy cheeses. They leave a foul odour among political circles these days. As for non-edible items, sunscreen is a must. A Frisbee always goes over well — or bring a famous Canadian named Ryan (Gosling or Reynolds will do). You’ll be cool by proxy.
WHAT TO WEAR
No suit jacket. No wetsuits (you can thank Stockwell Day for that cardinal rule). Golf shorts, khaki pants or a summer dress are as informal as you should go. Don’t be too casual. No straw hats and no biking gear, yoga shorts, or skimpy bathing suits (unless you’re NDP MP Pat Martin; then you’re already accustomed to tight briefs).
WHAT TO SAY
Very little. People come to picnics and barbecues to savour the sun and sunny dispositions. They don’t want to hear about your corporate tax policy or plans for electoral reform. They just want a little R&R. The key is to sneak in tiny policy tidbits naturally into the course of planned festivities.
ACTIVITIES
Yes to softball. Most of the game is standing around doing nothing. Even you can probably look good doing that. And the sport is tailor made for dropping casual policy references: “Strike out! Reminds me of party X’s child care policy! Am I right, guys?” or “If you’re looking for a real home-run, check out my X policy.” Yes to bocce ball. Its youngest players are seniors; you’re going to be competitive. No to three-legged and dizzy bat races. No to hotdog eating challenges and other feats of intestinal fortitude.
GOOD PHOTO-OP IDEAS
Dogs and ducks. People unanimously like both — even if they don’t like you. Pet or throw a ball for man’s best friend. Drop vague references about how playing fetch reminds you of policy X, Y and Z that you’ll be “throwing out to the middle class.” Feed the latter and talk up how serving breadcrumbs to ducklings reminds you of your
This weekend’s Calgary Stampede, where Stephen Harper, Justin Trudeau and Tom Mulcair are all glad-handing, marks the unofficial kickoff of political barbecue season. Chris Lackner Can voters truly trust the nation to someone who willingly chooses a hotdog over a hamburger?
plans to “feed Canada’s economic growth.”
BAD PHOTO-OP IDEAS
Babies. Don’t ever hold one and pose. It has never once looked sincere. You’ll either look like you’re trying to steal the poor child or very uncomfortable. Or the child will look uncomfortable, which is even worse … Also avoid that fellow sitting forlornly by himself at a distant picnic table; it’s probably just Mike Duffy. Avoid him like you would a mamma grizzly bear and their cub. Or a fancy cheese plate.