THE CRAZY THINGS SOME PEOPLE SAY ABOUT THEIR WINE

I’ve heard talk of man-made water, wet wines and a Mozart-loving Pinot Noir

In a Montreal SAQ store recently, I overheard a product consultant telling a customer holding a bottle of New Zealand sauvignon blanc: “New Zealand wine isn’t real. It’s full of sugar. These wines” — he pointed to a wall of French wines — “are real. They’re not watered by man-made water, but by water from the sky.”

Everything about these comments is wrong, including the general drift — that French wine is real and New Zealand wine (he probably meant New World wines generally) is not.

Adding a limited amount of sugar to grape juice before fermentation is permitted in some circumstances in many cooler New and Old World wine regions, including Bordeaux, Burgundy, Champagne and Alsace. It’s done to raise the alcohol level, not to sweeten the wine.

Irrigation — “man-made water” — is used in France and elsewhere when needed.

When I reported these comments to some friends, they said, “You must have heard a few crazy things about wine over the years. What are the top 10?”

I don’t have room for 10, but let’s say that was No. 1 and here, in no particular order, are four others.

“I like this wine. It’s not too dry and not too wet.”

This was said at a dinner a few years ago.

It is odd that we contrast “sweet” with “dry” to describe the sugar level of wines.

Of course there’s a wide spectrum of sugar levels, from zero grams per litre in some wines to hundreds in icewine.

But all wines are wet. I just nodded, by the way. It was easier.

“You’re having sancerre? I always think of sancerre as an evening wine.”

This was said at lunch by a friend last year when I ordered a glass of sancerre — a sauvignon blanc from the Sancerre region in France’s Loire Valley.

I have no idea why anyone would think it was an evening wine, and she couldn’t explain it, either.

“I play music to my wines. Riesling likes jazz but pinot noir prefers Mozart.”

A winemaker in Germany told me that a couple of years ago. He was serious. But he’s not the only person to serenade wines. At Chile’s Montes winery, Gregorian chants are played 24/7 to barrels arranged in an amphitheatre-shaped cellar. The wines are stellar.

“You can pronounce it ‘reesling’ or ‘ryesling.’ It doesn’t really matter.”

This was said to a visitor by a tasting-room worker in Niagara a few years ago.

Pronouncing “riesling” incorrectly is not the end of civilization, but why not get it right? And if someone wants to get it right, why wouldn’t you tell them?