The pressure of the perfect proposal
Planners orchestrate scenarios for perfect marriage proposals
The era of dropping onto one knee — ring in hand — and simply uttering “will you marry me?” is over.
Today’s wedding proposals are often painstakingly choreographed, splashy, public occasions resulting in stories and photos that are ready-made to share and post. Flash mobs of dancing strangers, helicopter trips to pristine mountaintops, professional-quality movies that incorporate special effects — nothing is over the top anymore when asking for someone’s hand in marriage.
And to help offset the pressure of creating a moment worth Instagramming, there’s now a plethora of services that plan unique wedding proposals and special date nights.
“We used to wonder why it was so hard for our boyfriends to come up with and plan sweet, thoughtful things for us,” says Karen Lee, cofounder of newly formed wedding proposal and date planning company Just Because.
Their theory: popular culture doesn’t encourage or teach how to plan romantic gestures. Consequently, many don’t realize that organizing a truly awesome date or unique wedding proposal takes a lot of work. Plus, everyone’s busy.
“Twenty- and 30-somethings are focused on building their empires,” Karen Lee says. “They often come to us with the germ of a great idea that they just don’t have time to fully develop or execute.”
For 28-year old Dan Ma, working with a professional planner was a way of weeding out bad options.
“I was overwhelmed by all the choices that exist today,” Ma says. “I needed someone with experience to help me make decisions.”
He teamed up with Stephanie Reitsma of Vancouver’s Sweetheart Events to create a proposal in June 2013 that took place on a suspension bridge where he and his now wife, Marielle, had their first date.
The proposal included their closest friends and was captured on video, including a quick interview with Dan moments before he headed out onto the bridge to pop the question.
To cap it all off, Reitsma organized a nearby casual celebratory sushi dinner with a larger group of friends and family.
“There’s no way I could have pulled off such an elaborate day without help,” Ma explains.
“Yet the whole event was totally us.”
Proposal planners create their magic by dealing with details that are often overlooked. After getting a feel for a couple’s love story and sussing out what preliminary planning a client might have already done, planners start to customize and troubleshoot.
“Logistics and specifics are key,” explains Reitsma. “Because while the idea of popping the question in Stanley Park with a view of English Bay is great, what about getting out of there? It’s my job to figure out how the newly engaged couple is going get home without waiting for a bus during rush hour. Or to help the groom determine the best time of day to propose, given the photos he knows his fiancée will want.”
Reitsma also works with couples coming to Vancouver specifically to use the city as the backdrop for their big ask.
Despite the polish that planners can add to a proposal, Kyle Foot, 26, was adamant about not working with one.
“I thought it would be weird to outsource such important decisions,” he says.
But then his girlfriend, Jamie Munro, hired Rebecca Aftergood of Surprise Me events to help her plan a special night last December to celebrate Foot’s completion of the LSAT exam.
The couple had been busy with work and studying, and hadn’t had time to relax together and connect. Aftergood transformed their apartment into a replica of their favourite restaurant — Frank’s Kitchen in Toronto — complete with menus printed in the same font and catered food cooked in a similar style.
“It became really clear to me that Rebecca had brought Jamie’s ideas to life,” Foot says. “She hadn’t railroaded through her own suggestions that had nothing to do with us.”
So when Foot decided in early 2015 that the time was right to propose, he hired Aftergood to help him hatch a plan.
A few weeks later, he proposed at a Vancouver boutique hotel Opus Hotel in Yaletown, where Jamie had thought she was having a business meeting until she saw a pathway strewn with memorable photos of the couple.
“I never would have come up with all the creative touches that Rebecca did,” Foot says. “In fact without her help, I’d probably still be trying to come up with the perfect way to ask.”
Even without the help of professionals,
Orchestrating and sharing our experiences has become part of our culture’s rituals for courtship and marriage.
wedding proposals seem to be following the trend of being planned from start to finish and designed to share in real time or soon after via social media.
That is exactly what Kendra Hagerman, founder of the Vancouver style blog Curated Taste, experienced when her fiancé Aaron proposed to her last April.
Not only did Aaron rent out the coffee shop where the couple had their first date and deck it out with balloons that spelled out “Marry Me,” he had Kendra’s family in Ontario on hand via Skype so that they could witness the couple’s big moment.
Also in attendance was a photographer to capture the event frame-by frame. The result? Kendra said yes. She also had authentic, unscripted, stylish photos perfect for sharing on her blog.
Fred Kamperman’s proposal to Jozef Bosman, his partner of eight years, at Whistler’s Winter Pride festival in February 2013, was also very public and widely shared.
While the couple was in the B.C. town to cover the event for OUTtv and Shaw, Kamperman had the film crew capture his proposal on a gondola. It was later shared with two million subscribers across Canada. Bosman — a professional chef — believed he was cooking for a crew event later that evening, when he was catering his own engagement party.
Is it cheating to have help planning such an important milestone?
And are made-to-share moments any less real than those experienced between just two people?
“Orchestrating and sharing our experiences has become part of our culture’s rituals for courtship and marriage,” explains Isabel Pedersen, PhD, Canada Research Chair in Digital Life, Media & Culture.
“The traditions and resources available to people might make these rituals look different, but the sentiments they’re expressing — and questions they’re asking — are as authentic as ever.”