Boost your friend’s self-confidence

Q My friend’s in a dysfunctional and downright abusive relationship with a manipulative, hurtful man.

It’s painfully obvious to everyone, yet she chooses to deflect, make excuses for him, etc.

When I deliver truth in response to the situation, I don’t hear from her for weeks afterwards.

I want her to focus on herself and take healthy steps to eventually break out from whatever binds her to him. But whenever I deliver facts — e.g. it takes two to tango — she goes missing again.

Am I being helpful by highlighting what’s unhealthy, or is my honesty hurtful?

My Stuck Friend

A She knows the facts. She’s living them.

What she needs is to know herself better, i.e. the value she has as a person, her right to have a loving, respectful relationship, her ability to find and sustain an equal partnership. Your best support will come from letting her know what’s great about her, which is why you stay friends.

When you tell her what she’s accepting that’s wrong, you confirm her belief that she can’t have better than she’s got. She needs boosts to her self-confidence. Then, she’ll boot out this manipulative abuser. Meanwhile, if the abuse escalates, call the police.

Q My stepdaughter’s 16 years old. I’ve been married to her daddy since she was age four.

We have two other kids together, but she’s always been treated as a full member of our household despite only seeing her two days every other weekend. We’ve tried to be kind and friendly to her mom, but it’s always been flatly rejected.

Now a teenager, she has anger issues and loud, tantrum-like outbursts where she curses her dad and says whatever’s most hurtful. She and her dad had a long conversation about how to have a discussion or disagreement without a tantrum. A month later, she did it again over not wanting to share in household chores. He and I agreed that she needed to suffer the consequences of her behaviour and we’d let her come to us to apologize and ask to return to our house.

What can we do here to help her?

Sad Stepmom A Many teenagers lash out at parents inappropriately during these turbulent years.

When conflict over a past divorce divides their loyalties, teens have an even tougher time.

Yes, she needs to know there are consequences for behaviour that’s nasty and hurtful to others. But she’s also crying for help to not have to deal with parental garbage, which is how she sees the situation.

Soften your response. Both her father and you can say you won’t listen to curses but you’re very willing to listen to how she feels.

Tell her she can negotiate with you both — whether over different chores, or age-appropriate house rules when she visits, etc.

If she does stay away, her father must stay in contact through email, text, a meet-up for coffee, whatever. She’s testing his love.