When you’ve (still) got that loving feeling
Younger people need to realize seniors are still interested in sex, writes Jan Etherington.
Why should anyone be surprised that actress Diane Keaton is seeking a lover at age 70? Surely, no one believes that your sex drive cuts off, like a gasoline pump when the tank’s full, just because you’re a septuagenarian?
Keaton admitted recently on The Ellen DeGeneres Show that, despite having dated the likes of Warren Beatty and Al Pacino, she was now single and “sexually frustrated” — “I know what it feels like and it’s not good,” she added.
Amen to that. My generation, who grew up in a culture of free love, Flower Power, the Rolling Stones and “letting it all hang out,” are now reaching their 70s — and are still keen on getting some “satisfaction.” Certainly, friends who have divorced or been widowed still want to find someone — and when they do, they want the relationship to be physical.
“I don’t want to swing from the chandeliers every night,” says an old friend, who has had a few dates with a man she met online. “But my ex-husband’s idea of foreplay was to put his teeth in, so the bar is set fairly low.”
The last thing she needs is a “companion” to accompany her to look at retirement properties or go to the theatre. “I want good sex with someone I fancy,” she says.
Another friend Carol, 71, a widow, has had a few dates with the man on the next allotment.
“I thought the sex was pretty good. Lights out, obviously — but he hasn’t called. I don’t know if he fancies me or not. Should I ring him, or just play it cool?”
We were having the same conversation 40 years ago.
Yet when you’re young, anything’s possible, and anywhere. In the back of a car, halfway up a mountain, behind the bike shed. But as you get older, “safe sex” means not falling out of bed. And while you can still enjoy that “blanket on the ground” moment, you’d best make sure there’s a hot-water bottle underneath and some subtly placed knee pads.
In long marriages, desire ebbs and flows, and while women tend to have a post-menopausal passion surge, men can’t always keep up. Literally. “It’s very important to keep your sense of humour about sex as you get older,” says artist Bev Williams, who created the hilarious Spring Chicken range of greetings cards.
One of her bestsellers shows a 70-something husband at the bottom of the stairs, calling up to his wife: “You want me to come upstairs and make love to you? It’ll have to be one or the other!”
It’s true that the “oohs” and “aahs” of senior sex are more likely to be caused by cramp and heartburn than desire. And it’s now that you discover the real reason why it’s called “the missionary position” — you’re praying you can get up afterwards.
Even on screen, “silver sex” is increasingly tackled with humour and a dose of reality. Barbra Streisand was a pensioner when she announced she was “a sex therapist, specializing in senior sexuality” to her son’s prospective in-laws, in the 2005 film Meet the Fockers — and proceeded to have frequent, noisy relations with onscreen husband, Dustin Hoffman.
Her sexual assertiveness and confidence is unusual, as most of us are nervous about being naked in front of a partner.
The TV sitcom The Golden Girls once hilariously addressed the perils of pensioner sex when worldly Dorothy (Bea Arthur) placed a mirror on the table and advised her sex-mad housemate, Blanche (Rue McClanahan), to look down into it. “That is what you look like from below. Never, ever go on top.”
Younger generations will be putting their fingers in their ears, hating the idea of oldie sex. When I was still at school, we heard that a teacher was pregnant. “There must be another way,” said my friend, Maureen. “She can’t still be interested in sex.” The teacher was probably no more than 30.