Financial concerns strain relationship

QAfter a year’s dating, my boyfriend moved into my (paid-off ) condo. He’s 10 years older than me, planning retirement within three years.

He and his ex have one daughter, who’ll finish postgraduate studies in two years. Her parents keep her debt-free. He pays her rent plus spousal support. Half his pension was paid to his ex during their divorce.

I came from East Asia 16 years ago with only US$3,000. I grew up in a very poor countryside and helped my parents, learned to be independent, work hard, and never rely on anyone. I don’t buy things I don’t need.

My sister and I will ultimately have to support our younger brother, who has mental health issues. I have no children and will leave my assets to my brother when I die. I’m not looking for anything from my boyfriend. I enjoy my job and can’t afford to retire early.

My boyfriend’s family has a history of Alzheimer’s disease. He wants me to retire early and said he’ll make sure I have enough money. He put me as beneficiary of his insurance in case something happens to him. That makes me very uncomfortable and sad. Am I not the person who’ll spend the next many years together? So I thanked him and asked him to remove me as beneficiary. I said that if something happens to him, I’d hand him to his daughter to look after. Just like how he looked after her.

Am I too hard on him? Is there any future in this relationship? Thinking Ahead

AYou’re very thoughtful of your boyfriend and his financial obligations. Make sure you’ve secured your own, by keeping your condo as your asset alone, through a legal cohabitation agreement. Otherwise, in many jurisdictions, he could claim half-ownership through your common-law relationship.

If you can agree on financial matters, and also love each other, you have a future. If not, better to recognize that now.