THE MIXED ZONE
Bev Wake keeps an eye out for the witty, wild and plain ridiculous.
Target practice: Writing about the Ryan Lochte fiasco for New Republic, Steven Cohen was straight and to the point: “Ryan Lochte is a very dumb man.” Others have had a more fun at the expense of the American swimmer, who alleged he was robbed at gunpoint by people dressed like cops, then quickly left the country as the story started to unravel and he was indicted on charges of reporting a false crime. From Justin Peters, writing for Slate: Ryan Lochte is a very talented swimmer and three-time Olympian who has won 12 medals in his storied career. He is also a giant oaf. Or maybe he’s just a lunk, or a doofus, or a Faulknerian idiot manchild, or the real-world analogue of Moose from Archie. There are all sorts of unflattering descriptors that might apply to Ryan Lochte. Here are a few more: Knucklehead. Big lug. Lummox. Tool. King of the Bros. The inspiration for Goofus’ dim-witted cousin in Goofus and Gallant. Professor Dipshit. A real piece of work. From the Washington Post’s Sally Jenkins: Ryan Lochte is the dumbest bell that ever rang. The 32-year-old swimmer is so landlocked in juvenility that he pulled an all-nighter with guys young enough to call him uncle. His story to NBC’s Billy ‘What-are-you-wearing’ Bush had the quality of a kid exaggerating the size of a fish and notice how he was the hero of every detail. That was always the most dubious, implausible part. Postmedia’s own Scott Stinson: There are sports that demand quick thinking and strategy, that require the athlete to process information and react intelligently to it. In related news, Ryan Lochte jumps into a pool and swims in a straight line until he hits a wall. And finally, from Gawker: As befuddling as this is, I have to remember that (Ryan) Lochte, while not the brightest bulb while sober, was drunk with his pals that night. Not an optimal condition for remembering details, especially for our dog paddling human Labradoodle. TWEET OF THE DAY: Fox sports writer Pete Blackburn, summing up the Lochte lunacy @Pete-Blackburn I still think it’s hilarious that Ryan Lochte is 32 years old.