Want to save your marriage? Work at being more flexible

When couples embark on a new relationship, they hope it will last forever. Sadly, statistics show that for as many as half, this will not be the case. Recent U.K. figures put the divorce rate at 42 per cent, and the average length of a marriage at 11 years. (In Canada, rates have been similarly pegged at 48 per cent and average marriage length at 14.5 years, based on statistics from the past decade.)

This is despite the vast amount of advice out there about how to make a relationship last. Daniel Gottman, a leading psychologist in the field, offers excellent guidelines on how to have a successful partnership. He urges couples to prioritize each other’s needs, to spend time apart as well as together, to listen fully to one another, and to be willing to compromise when solving problems.

Why, then, do so many of us still end up going through the painful process of separating? The most likely explanation is that we’re living longer lives, during which we’re encouraged to assume a wide range of roles. As a result, relationships today need to be more flexible than ever to accommodate these changing circumstances.

Not long ago, for example, most couples started a family soon after they married and retired toward the end of their active lives, so their relationship almost always revolved around work and family. Today, partners may establish independent careers, interests and friendships long before they have children — if they even choose to have them. They can also expect many years of active life in retirement.

Yet, despite this, the deeply entrenched habits established at the outset of a relationship encourage couples to continue behaving toward one another just as they’ve always done. When one partner reaches out for help and comfort, for example, the other responds just as they did when they were first

together — even when those ways may no longer be helpful. How can you break this pattern? Applying Gottman’s guidelines will help, of course, but the real secret is to set aside some times when you presuppose nothing about your partner. Take turns asking each other out for a “date,” and pretend while you’re out that you’ve only just met. Ask each other what you love doing and what’s most important to you, and listen as if for the first time. Ask how you can help your partner fulfil their dreams.

You can also use what you’ve learned on your “dates” to find new common ground, things you’ve never worked on together but that could become new adventure to share.

Just because you’ve lived with someone for years, doesn’t mean you know them as well as you think you do — in fact, your presuppositions may even get in the way of really knowing them.

Be guided by Charles Dickens’s words in A Tale of Two Cities: “A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”