Improve your Bachelor viewing habits
Don’t get us wrong: We love The Bachelor. OK, maybe it’s more love-hate. The reality TV matchmaking series (Mondays on ABC/ Citytv) can get ridiculous at times, and yet we (and the rest of Bachelor Nation) just can’t. Look. Away. Here are some viewing pointers:
STEP 1: POUR SOMETHING INTO A WINE GLASS.
If alcohol is not your thing, don’t fret. You can keep it virgin (at least until after the first commercial break, at which point “virgin” and “The Bachelor” will be considered an oxymoron). Bonus points for indulging in something bubbly, a substance the women on The Bachelor appear to be drinking from dawn until, well, dawn. And hey, given the negative reception of this season’s hunk Nick Viall, they might have their reasons.
STEP 2: LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
This is not Game of Thrones, or even Match Game. This is a dating reality show — I mean, Nick has the same facial hair that Justin Timberlake grows when he’s trying to be taken seriously. Likewise, celebrate any redeeming quality in the contestants’ behaviour. Someone forgot to wear undies? Censor bar to the rescue! Hair pulling or drinks thrown in someone’s face? If they were a little gentler, that would be considered grooming.
STEP 3: TRY TO PREDICT THE WINNER.
By winner, we don’t mean the woman he will be with for the rest of his life — Bachelor-made happily-ever-afters are about as likely as leftover champagne after a rose ceremony. No, the winner is the woman he will propose to during the finale, break up with shortly after and ridicule on social media shortly after that. It’s all part of the game. Well, it’s not supposed to be, but not everyone finds love — or becomes president — after appearing on reality TV.
STEP 4: PICK UP SOME FASHION TIPS.
The Bachelor can be good for your mind. And, yes, it can even be good for your vocabulary. (Repeat after me: “I’m not here to make friends” and “Can I borrow him for a sec?”) But don’t overlook its potential for your wardrobe. Be inspired by short shorts, institute a “one Spandex item per outfit” policy. And don’t forget to adorn yourself like a Disney princess when the rose ceremony dress code is Saucy Formal.
STEP: 5: PREPARE A POST-SHOW CLEANSING ROUTINE.
Fair warning — after an episode of The Bachelor, you might feel a little sullied. Stay calm. Take a long, hot shower. Turn on CBC Radio One. If you don’t feel back to normal in about an hour, text your friends and get it all out in a heavily exclamation-marked social-media post. Because next week, you’ll be ready to do it all again.