Think carefully before moving away from kids

Being with the ‘love of your life’ may impose costs you hadn’t counted on

I’ve been separated from my wife for over a year and have three beautiful boys, ages nine, five and four, for whom she has primary care. I value my time with my kids, but I’ve since met the woman of my dreams who lives across the country. I’d be the one having to make the move to be together, since she has primary care of eightyear-old triplet daughters. Is it wrong for me to be true to myself and follow my dream with the woman I love, and tell myself that my children will always be mine and they will accept my decision? I want to start my own new life, but I feel like I’m forced to choose between my children and the love of my life. Torn

A You are not being forced, so don’t rush your decision. That could be the worst mistake. Whichever the final plan, you need to prepare yourself and everyone involved.

You’ve only known this woman less than a year, and met when you were dealing with the stress of major change. She may be the “love of your life,” but she’s also a seeming refuge from whatever broke up your marriage.

I am not minimizing your feelings for her or the possibility you’ll end up together. But it’s too soon to make a decision to move so far from your own young sons.

The impact on them will exceed that of your marriage breakup.

Consider: Can you afford and handle travelling back and forth several times annually, and also spend at least two weeks at holiday times with your sons in either locale?

If your visits are rare, or your new life too busy for frequent contact, you risk your sons feeling abandoned by you.

Take this year doing the hard work of making a decision you can live with comfortably. Visit your girlfriend; get involved with her children, her friends and her lifestyle. Learn her thoughts about you needing consistent time with your own family.

Do the math on what your responsibilities/commitment to two families of children costs and the time it requires.

Talk to a therapist about what your decision means to your life and that of your children.