Stand by your man as he figures things out

Q I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight months. We love each other so much. But he was recently told the father he’s known for so long isn’t his real dad. He’s so mad about it! Now he wants us to break up because of the problems he’s having, and I’m not happy about that. Bad Ending

A Of course you’re unhappy about a suggested breakup, but this is a time when you can show your guy how lucky he is to have you on his team. Be understanding. He’s been shattered by this news, which he likely feels changes everything he thought he knew about himself and his family. Tell him that he’s still the person you know and love.

Point out that whatever good caring and support that the man who raised him brought into your boyfriend’s life hasn’t changed with the news. Their relationship was real.

What is newly challenging is deciding how he’ll deal with his mother about why she withheld this information, and whether to start a relationship with his biological father.

Say you get it that he’s experienced a major shock and needs time to think things through.

But he doesn’t have to run away from what’s good in his life.

That’s all you need to say, for now. It would be a mistake to make this about you and your feelings. Don’t overreact.

Q My friend’s daughter recently lost her husband in a car crash, leaving her a widow at 18, with a one-year-old baby. She’s living on welfare, with her fatherin-law, who was the driver in the crash. She makes no effort to get her high school diploma or seek work. She’s occasionally called me to babysit, because she needs “a break.” But she really means she wants to party, with alcohol, drugs and men. I’ve agreed to babysit when she has medical appointments, but I refuse if it’s for partying. How can we get her to see that she needs to move forward? There’s currently no counselling available in our small town and the closest city is over 200 kilometres away (she doesn’t drive). Concerned Friend

A This young woman and her baby need all the support and help they can get. As a caring friend, and with her mother and her father-in-law who’s housing her, look into every avenue and opportunity to encourage her progress out of grief.

In your town there may be a teacher, local pastor or a community worker who can motivate her.

Contact the nearest city that has a hospital with a counselling facility for their advice.

There may be online sessions offered and/or a group meeting she can attend periodically, if transportation’s made available to her.