Couple’s battle over chores a sign of deeper problems

Q I’m a registered nurse. I work 36 hours a week. My husband’s a construction supervisor who works 44 hours a week. His schedule is Monday to Friday, but mine is all over the map.

He refuses to help with house cleaning. He says that I’m home more, and work less.

We have two large-breed dogs that make a mess and a 10-yearold who’ll chip in to help when asked.

My husband empties the dishwasher, takes out garbage (when nagged), and takes our daughter to daycare when I’m working at 7 a.m.

I’ve offered to split housekeeping but he believes I can do it all.

I’m standing my ground that I’ll do my share, but not everything. Fed Up

A You’re both convinced that you’re in the right, so it’s a standoff — one of the least helpful starting points for a positive solution.

Look closer at what’s going on. Are you really fighting about the house, or is some other matter getting “out of control?”

Since you’re both working and earning, you could decide which tasks you each like least and hire a cleaner every two weeks or whatever timing’s affordable. You might find a neighbour to share a cleaner (half-day each), to make it cheaper.

Once you get the external problem lessened, confront what else feels so wrong. Perhaps you two have never learned how to disagree without taking stubborn stands. Or, he’s too controlling on matters that require joint decisions. Or, you’re the one who holds back on working things out until you explode.

Make a list of the chores. Check off the ones each of you already does. Look at what’s left. If many tasks are left, hire the cleaner, use a laundry service, find a dogwalker, etc.

If you’re still butting heads, see a marriage counsellor and learn how to negotiate and also recognize the deeper problem.

Q My husband of 18 months and I haven’t had intercourse. He says he wants children.

We’ve talked about the problem and he’s promised to see a doctor, but hasn’t.

He buries himself in his work and MBA courses. He’s barely home and I take care of all the housework because he also has a long commute.

I’m wondering if our relationship is his priority anymore. I’m becoming resentful, especially of others, including his sister, who constantly sends happy photos of their children and family outings.

This is such an intimate issue I have no one to talk to. Platonic Newlyweds

A He’s acknowledged “the problem” and promised to see a doctor, so he’s likely experiencing erectile dysfunction.

You may both be surprised to learn that ED isn’t rare in young men under 40 (diagnosed in a reported 26 per cent). It’s often affected by stress and anxiety.

You’re also both still adjusting to a young marriage.

Tell him you’re doing your best to ease the demands on him but he needs to do his part by seeing a doctor, because it could enlighten both of you and ease the whole situation.

Shut down intrusive family questions with a light, “You’ll be the first to know,” and change the topic.

Q I hate my mom for emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusing me throughout my childhood and my current adult life. She’s an awful person and the hate is making me an angry person. Full of Fury

A Call your local distress center immediately. The people who take the calls keep the information anonymous and confidential. They’ve heard other stories like yours and worse ones, too.

They know where to refer you for more help — how to get access to counselling regarding abuse, where you can find safe accommodation if that’s needed, where to look for other resources. ellie@thestar.ca