STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF
Q I’m 21 and a virgin. I’ve had relationships with men, but never had sex because I believed I shouldn’t give myself until I know I’m in love with someone who loves me. But it’s frustrating: I want to have sex. I feel I’m missing out, but also feel I shouldn’t give my virginity just based on feeling horny. I’m seeing someone and fighting my urge for sex because the feelings of love don’t exist right now. That doesn’t mean there’s no potential for love. Should I keep waiting? — A Virgin’s Dilemma
A You can easily get several different answers, especially from guys who want to be your first. But that would be only about the experience of sex. And your own doubts might make it feel disappointing. Be true to yourself. Your upbringing was likely based on your family’s religious beliefs and/or a healthy desire to keep you safe from unwanted pregnancy or immature choices.
If you share their religious beliefs, you may still want to wait for love. However, if you’re mature enough to assess a potential lover’s respect for you, the sexual urge may become too strong to resist.
Meanwhile, get informed. Decide on a form of birth control, make sure a potential sex partner has tested clear of sexually transmitted infections and also wears a condom.
Q Years ago, I married a man from another country. We spent one to three months a year together in my country or his, over five years. We had a daughter together. She last saw her father at age one. She’s now 10. He never sent support nor called. He sent birthday and Christmas emails and occasionally gifts. She tried to reach out to him, but he recently passed away. There’s some insurance money I don’t feel comfortable taking; I want to sign it over to his family for burial expenses. They want me to bring our daughter to the funeral in their country. I don’t feel that’d be fair to her. He’s essentially a stranger. Maybe his family wants to begin a relationship with her, but I hardly think a funeral is the way to start. Will it be rude to decline the invitation? — A Stranger’s Funeral
A Your daughter will one day ask you more about her father and his family.
The arrangement you and he had was mutual. I’m not blaming you for it, but your daughter might. He may have been a stranger, but she’s more likely to think of him as the contributor of half her DNA. She’ll want to know more about him and her relatives.
Perhaps offer the trip when she’s older, explaining that you think it’ll be too weird now to only see him at his funeral.
Tell her about his family. If possible, open communications between your daughter and them. Consider keeping the insurance money for a future trip there together when she’s older.