Keep lines of communication open

I’m male, 53, separated legally for a year after a 22-year

marriage. I have three daughters, two at university and one nine-year-old.

How do I move forward with these issues?

1. My adult daughters have cut off all communications with me for the past four years.

I believe it comes from being brainwashed by my ex. It hurts me badly, knowing how much I put into raising them and the sacrifices that I made.

2. I get to see my youngest daughter four days a month, by verbal agreement (I’m not happy with this). She expresses a lot of love toward me, but is also unhappy with the separation arrangement.

I’m afraid I’ll lose her once she becomes a teenager, due again to my ex.

3. I’ve had depression and anxiety for a long time, and acknowledge the role depression played in my marriage and my professional work.

For four years, I’ve been stuck in precarious work. Financially and emotionally, it’s ruining me.

How do I get the energy to seek decent employment? I’m hesitant to pursue a relationship and embarrassed to even mention my job. — Need Changes

A Make efforts toward one change at a time.

Your nine-year-old daughter needs to believe that you love her and intend to stay connected to her.

Gently explain (without badmouthing her mother) that the separation isn’t about her. And no matter what anyone else says, it doesn’t change the bond between you two.

Then see your doctor for help managing depression. Whether through medication, referral to therapy, fitness or nutrition, get proactive in regaining your energy and determination.

Seek a better job. You may need to find online career counselling or an upgrading course to boost your CV. Search for helpful websites.

Don’t give up on your collegeage daughters. Once they’re more independent and having their own relationships, they’ll be more open to looking at things differently. Meanwhile, email them, send cards on special occasions, even if they don’t open them, your outreach sends a message.

Put “pursuing a relationship” on the back burner. A new woman in your life would likely upset your young daughter and confirm negative attitudes of your older ones.

As you work toward being positive and energetic, your children and potential employers alike will be more receptive. And dating will happen naturally.