It is time to re-connect with father’s relatives

Q I grew up being kept away from my father’s family due to a bitter divorce. Ten years ago, they reached out to try and connect. They’re wonderful people, but my reaction is to pull away. I try, but can’t seem to let them get close. They’ve shown my wife, my son and me extraordinary kindness. Still, I have no context for accepting that kindness.

My uncle, who’s been successful, gave away more than a million dollars to family. This included me.

In my mind, nothing ’s free and that type of kindness is dumbfounding. I was taught that my world is very small; nothing ’s given to you unless there’s a catch. Though there’s no catch here, I don’t know how to take it. I want to be able to accept their love like a normal person and quit withdrawing when they get too close. Closed Off

A You’ll be able to open up to this side of your family when you finally accept that no one else has the right to limit your connection to them.

Whatever reasons were given long ago to isolate you from caring relatives were wrong-headed and unfair to you.

Unless your father had been abusive to you, and his kin sanctioned that behaviour, you were deprived of people who clearly wanted to love and support you.

This isn’t about offers of money and other benefits that have a hidden cost to you.

It’s about getting over the cynicism and distrust that was foisted on your thinking. Seeing a therapist about your past limitations can open up new understanding about family ties.

That’s a good thing, not a threat. You’ve been done a disservice for years. Set yourself to getting over it, for everyone’s sake. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. ellie@thestar.ca @ellieadvice