Marriage requires hard work

Q When my husband and I came to Canada, I felt like our 13-year marriage started our springtime.

But when we came to our new country, we had to find jobs and take care of our young son. My husband worked full time and I worked from home.

We realized going back to school might be a better option. But we postponed school to work hard and buy our dream house. With our second child’s birth, winter entered our marriage.

My husband got laid off, so it was my turn to help financially with a long-hours shift job, even working weekends. I was sleep-deprived and my health was affected.

After he started a job, I took long-distance courses, making a bigger distance between us.

Soon I reached a life crisis. I felt close to a colleague and poured my heart out to him. But the guy deceived me, and spread personal things about me.

I decided to work out my marriage, though the new guy still seemed mysterious to me. It was hard to push away my feelings which developed.

We didn’t date outside work, but my honour was damaged by gossip. I even had a depression.

I didn’t separate, as my husband tried so hard to save our marriage. He knows I can’t say I love him and he’s OK with that, for the sake of our two children.

I still cry often and my heart’s still broken. I work in a different place now and I am trying to concentrate better at work.

Am I hoping in vain for another springtime in my marriage? Wanting Renewal

A You need to go beyond hope, and do the work that’s needed to repair a marriage.

It involves more than re-counting your challenges, hard work, financial stresses, etc.

It requires owning what part you contributed to the distance from your husband, and the emotional affair with your colleague.

The latter was a workplace fantasy. If your husband were the one who “can’t say I love you,” would you accept that?

He’s been a steady partner in all the phases of your marriage, which you both insisted on striving toward.

It was a mistake to put no time into your life as a couple, do so now.

Get counselling together.