Ottawa Citizen

Run fast from toxic relationsh­ip

- ELLIE TESHER

Q We met in college four years ago. His mom was “the other woman” in an affair, his dad’s never been there for them.

He has clinical depression (no meds, he quit therapy) and has had crisis episodes of self-harming after destructiv­e relationsh­ips.

One three-year girlfriend, “A,” cut herself at school, screaming publicly that it was his fault. They fought constantly but couldn’t leave each other.

His then-therapist banned him from seeing her. He got a bit better, and started a new relationsh­ip, which didn’t last long because of constant interferen­ce from “A.”

I came along soon after he broke up with her. I also tried to leave him due to other girls’ interferen­ce but he always finds a way to contact me — showing up at my house, texting me from another number, etc. I always fall back.

Last year, “A” returned, they had counsellin­g to get back together but didn’t. I realized he isn’t going to change.

He’s been sexually involved with at least two other women, and I desperatel­y try to be enough for him. Lost

A RUN! Get to a therapist for yourself, not for any further relationsh­ip with this disturbed, angry, dangerous person.

Save yourself. He wants to drag you and others down to the mess of his life. You need profession­al help accepting that you don’t deserve this treatment.

This is not a relationsh­ip. It’s a cruel game of hurting whoever comes close to him.

Be with friends, caring family. If necessary, get a restrainin­g order from police based on his emotional abuse. He’s toxic for you.

Q I see my close friend of 10 years regularly, attended parties at her house, we’ve met each other’s families.

She moved in with her fiancé 18 months ago. We’d discussed having a joint 50th birthday party this summer, but she said she’d rather go away with him.

She’d arranged a casual housewarmi­ng and birthday party as a low-key alternativ­e. Lately, it’s been hard to get to see her.

She made little effort to meet my new boyfriend. She called but left no message.

Suddenly, her now-husband posted a wedding photo on social media announcing that they’d married the day before with only immediate family attending.

He reminded everyone of the housewarmi­ng party.

I don’t begrudge her marital happiness, or how she wanted to hold her wedding, etc. But I begrudge her lying to me about these plans (she didn’t apologize) and her unavailabi­lity for months. Disappoint­ed Friend

A Sudden distancing can make you appear envious rather than disappoint­ed in her behaviour.

Attend the housewarmi­ng. You don’t have to give a major gift but your long friendship warrants a congratula­tory gesture. Many brides (all ages) get caught up and self-absorbed in their pre-nuptial excitement. She already knows she offended you, which is why she called after his post.

If things don’t return to past closeness over some time, the friendship will drift anyway.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca Follow @ellieadvic­e

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