Drunken tirades can often cause damage

Q Our son, 25, moved back home last year, with his (now) fiancée, 23. We created a basement living space for them. My son works; she attends university on a student loan. He pays a modest rent and does their housekeeping — laundry, dishes, etc.

We were one big happy family — she even called me “Mama” — until recently.

When my husband drinks too much, little things will set him off. He becomes loud, aggressive and — rarely — will throw things. He’s never hit our children or me. Ellie, I learned long ago that it’s best not to comment, argue, placate … only discuss things when he’s clearheaded.

Two months ago, he flew off the handle. My son was at work. My future daughter-in-law, who had a difficult childhood and is estranged from her own father, was upset by the tirade. She came upstairs and told him so. He responded as one would expect. There was a lot of yelling. Then she uttered a few expletives, then stormed out of the house.

Via text, I told her she was out of line. She argued and said she had every right, given she lives there, too. She returned with my son but said she’d move out when her work contract expired.

Due to health reasons, she cut her contract short and has spent the past month as a hermit in the basement.

She no longer joins us for dinner (although our son does).

She says nothing when she leaves or returns. She avoids my husband but is no different with my daughter and me. We just have to go to her.

Apparently, my son acts the same with her as he did before this happened.

I don’t know whether to say something. Meantime, my husband’s dislike for her grows, as all she does is watch TV, play video games and sleep. Mama in the Middle

Your husband is in the wrong, even though it’s his own home. Unfortunately, he’s been excused when he’s been aggressive and belligerent using the too-much-drink excuse. This has enabled him to repeat his inexcusable behaviour.

You all knew your future daughter-in-law’s history with her own father. Was she warned about your husband’s tirades? Has your son decided your model of accepting his outbursts is OK?

If you don’t want to lose your son once the couple has their own home, you all need to address the bully elephant in the room.

Dad unleashes serious anger issues through alcohol. He’s pushing his son’s future wife away, and she may well want to protect your future grandchildren from him.

Get to an Al-Anon support group for people/families living with alcoholism and alcoholfuelled outbursts.

Remember, he just hasn’t hit anyone … yet.

Try to calm your son’s fiancée, telling her you understand her hurt and fear, and hope changes can be made in the home environment.