Woman needs help to confront trauma from past relationship

Q We were orphans who married in our teens for all the wrong reasons, divorced several years later.

After our child’s birth, I had an undiagnosed postpartum depression, and a brief emotional affair with an older man who assaulted me sexually.

I’ve openly born the burden of guilt for a failed marriage, but I eventually realized that my ex had been unfaithful during our university years. We were both diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection and had treatment for it.

After many decades, we’re both happily remarried and have a cordial relationship because of our child and grandchildren. Why do I still have symptoms bordering on posttraumatic stress disorder when I recall my divorce? It hurts me to think my ex has allowed me to bear all the guilt and he’s never taken any responsibility for a failed marriage.

He has anger issues but I don’t want to disrupt the relationship we have now. Do you have any suggestions? Hurting

A The relationship to address and heal is with you, to stop choosing to carry guilt.

Your background without parental love and security, a failed teenage marriage, postpartum depression and assault all took a heavy toll.

The divorce and even his cheating became unsurprising results. None of that was your fault. Your ex chose to channel disappointments/hurts in his life into anger. But you’ve been grieving for decades.

A skilled therapist can help you. Even if you’ve had counselling before, you’d benefit greatly from confronting and healing from your past losses.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. ellie@thestar.ca @ellieadvice