CONFRONTING STEVE
Abuser fesses up in documentary
It was on a hot summer night more than two decades ago that an 18-year-old Attiya Khan ran through the streets in fear for her life, pursued by Steve, the ex-boyfriend who’d abused her every day for two years.
She escaped, a “traumatized but determined teenager beginning to realize that she deserved more out of life,” but the emotional scars lingered.
So years later Khan, an advocate for abused women and children who would periodically run into Steve (his last name is never revealed) on the street in Toronto, challenged him to take responsibility for his actions by being part of a documentary.
They returned to Ottawa — visiting their old apartment and high school — for what would become wrenching scenes in A Better Man, a startling new documentary codirected by Khan and executive produced by Sarah Polley.
Five years in the making, it’s already screened at festivals from New York City to Milan, but the 79-minute film has its broadcast premiere on TVO at 9 p.m. Saturday, repeats on the channel Nov. 26, 29 and Dec. 6, and streams on tvo.org starting Sunday.
We interviewed Khan via email.
Q What spurred you to make this documentary?
A In the years after I left Steve, I became a counsellor for women who had experienced violence. Every day I met women whose strength astounded me, but over time I also became angry that there seemed to be no end to this work in sight. It made me curious about what kind of work was being done with people who are abusing their partners. They are actually the only people who have the power to stop the violence, and I wanted to know what supports were available to help them do so. On one particularly draining day at work, the idea came to me suddenly, to make a film exploring this side of domestic
violence, which is something we don’t often hear about. I think we need to hear about this work so that more of the people who need this kind of support are aware that it exists.
Q Did you have to persuade Steve to take part?
A I had been running into Steve every couple of years since I left him. At first, these encounters terrified me, but over the years this fear receded and I started to become more curious about him. He did not look well, and I wondered whether he had been impacted by the violence he’d used against me. One day, about 10 years after I left him, I ran into Steve on the street and he asked if we could get a cup of tea. For about 30 minutes he wept and repeated: “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” On one hand, it was satisfying to hear this, but it also made me angry, because he never said specifically what he was sorry for. I needed to hear him acknowledge it. Years later, when I asked if he’d be willing to talk with me on camera about our relationship, he immediately saw the project’s potential to reach other young men who might be going down a similar path. He needed some time to think about it, but it wasn’t long before he contacted me to say he was ready to talk. Days later, we filmed that first scene in the coffee shop together.
Q Why did you want to go back to the Ottawa apartment where you lived with Steve?
A For me, being back at that apartment was one of the most powerful moments in my healing journey over the course of making this film. Some of my worst memories of the violence Steve inflicted on me took place at that apartment, which was in the Westboro neighbourhood of Ottawa. Some of these memories gave me recurring nightmares and felt very deeply lodged in my brain and my body. I was curious about what it might be like to return to this apartment with Steve, but I was not prepared for the incredibly visceral impact it had on me. Sitting on the curb in front of that apartment where so many of these violent memories were created, beside the person who caused that violence but with whom I now felt safe, triggered a physical reaction in me that I did not expect. My body was finally able to release some of these memories.
Q As a viewer, it’s painful to watch Steve come to grips with how much he hurt you. Should we feel empathy for abusers?
A People who use violence are human beings. They are our friends, family members, classmates, co-workers and neighbours. Their choices to use violence are just one piece of who they are, and many of them also have the capacity to be loving, caring, fun, perceptive, interesting, and kind! We can be angry with them about their violence while also caring about them and wanting the best for them. In fact, it’s really important that some people in their lives are willing to hold space for both anger about the violence and empathy for the person — this is the kind of support that can help people move toward non-violence and long-term change. Early in the filmmaking process, I found myself empathizing
with Steve, and then feeling guilty for empathizing with him, as though that was somehow excusing his violence. The process got much easier and more honest for me once I allowed myself to have a range of feelings toward Steve.
Q You talk about no one helping you — teachers at school, neighbours who did nothing even as you ran screaming into the street. What can bystanders to violence do to help before it comes to that?
A I think we often think of intervention as a heroic act to prevent violence in the moment that it’s happening, but we can also intervene before or after violence. Sometimes the actions that we think are tiny can have a huge impact. It would have made a big difference for someone to just say to me “I’m concerned about you” or “You don’t deserve to be treated that way.” It’s also important that friends and family make it clear that their doors will always be open to a loved one who is experiencing violence. Most of the time, a person experiencing violence will not just decide to leave a violent relationship after a single conversation with a concerned loved one. If you have a friend or family member who is experiencing violence, they’ll be more likely to come back to you for support in the future if you listen without judgment and ask them what they need, instead of telling them what you think they should do. It’s also important that we speak up when we are concerned that someone we care about is using violence. Our website at abettermanfilm.com has many resources available for people interested in thinking more about intervention.
Q What do you hope viewers will take away from your film?
A I hope people come away from the film reflecting on harms they may have caused to people they care about. Abuse isn’t always a pattern of physical violence and intimidation like Steve’s abuse of me was. Many of us have behaved abusively to our loved ones on occasion, and it’s not easy to face the shame that comes with remembering those moments. But I think facing it can help us strive to be better in our own close relationships. I also hope that people will think about times that they witnessed or were concerned about violence in their own communities, schools or workplaces, what they did to respond, and what they might do differently now. And finally, I hope people reflect on the idea of justice and taking responsibility, and what it might mean for them personally. This film was my personal sense of justice, but others will have their own pathways — it’s not one-size-fits-all. If we all give more thought to what accountability might mean to us, we’ll be in a better position to support each other in achieving our own visions of justice and closure. Q What has making it changed for you? A The process that Steve and I went through together has changed my life. I no longer have the persistent nightmares I used to have about the violence. I’m no longer safety-planning everywhere I go. I used to be hyper-vigilant that someone would harm me as I walked down the street or sat in a café. It was like a never-ending checklist my brain would go through on autopilot. “Where is the exit? How can I sit so that I can see the entire room all at once? What direction should I run if I have to?” This isn’t something I experience anymore. I literally sleep and breathe easier. This doesn’t mean that I am no longer angry about the violence Steve used against me, or that I have completely and permanently healed. But the profound impact on my healing was something I did not expect from this project.
We can be angry with them about their violence while also caring about them and wanting the best for them.