Don’t let the past derail you

My family split apart years ago. When I was two, my mother moved me away from my father to another city because there was better health care there to treat my medical issue.

My father never missed a birthday and took me during the summer when he could. At age five, my mother’s new husband became another amazing father to me.

They were both always there for me in their own way.

At the time, my biological father was living with his girlfriend. My dislike for her came naturally. She was always trying to “do what was best” for me, always doing her own research on my “condition.”

Ultimately, I didn’t want to see my father at his place, so that I could avoid his girlfriend.

Years later, when I learned I was having a baby, I was excited to share it with everyone equally.

My father visited with his girlfriend. I tried to be respectful for his sake, to gently tell her why I didn’t want to do things her way.

But it became too much and I snapped at her.

I felt terrible and called them the same night to apologize. But there’s remained a strain since the incident.

I rarely hear from my father. I’ve apologized to his now-wife, personally.

I feel that my father, 25 years later, has abandoned me. I tried talking with him, smoothing things over with his wife, but every effort I make is lost.

The only time they put in is when it involves their grandson, which is still good.

Now, a falling out between my mom and stepdad has me upset. Things had been sour for a while, and they finally split up.

Recently, when my stepdad and I were together with friends, he was asked whether I was his daughter.

I wondered if because my mom and stepdad broke up, we weren’t family any more, after 20 years.

No. He still calls me his daughter. But I’m afraid. I’m also worried about my relationship with my biological father. We’re family, but I worry he’ll slowly fade out of the picture.

Neither of my fathers is the same anymore. I used to think it was my fault, that I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I try not to ask for anything more than just time with either of them, yet both are growing more distant. My biggest fear has always been that my family would fall apart.

What went wrong? Is it because I’m grown with a family of my own? Am I trying too hard and pushing them away? Abandoned?

No, you’re not “abandoned,” you have a family of your own.

Also, some of the grandparents want to be involved with your son, which means they’re still in your life.

You had a fortunate situation of two very attentive fathers, but because of early separation and health issues, you often felt vulnerable.

Don’t confuse that past with your position today as a mother who’s needed and loved. You don’t mention a husband, but of being in a family, so you likely have a relationship with your child’s father.

Adult family situations including step-parents, divorce, minor squabbles, couple’s rifts, etc. make your world more complicated, but not necessarily dire.

You can handle it. When it’s appropriate, apologize (you’ve done that). When it’s a passing incident, ignore.

Keep your eye on the main goal — a life without unnecessary stress over small matters, the ability to adapt to necessary changes, recognizing what’s most important in your immediate world and raising a healthy, secure child.