Advice for frazzled mom
I’ve received a strong reaction from loyal readers about my response to a woman in an earlier column. It deserves a full discussion here:
The woman, 34, wrote about having two children, ages three and 15 months, and working part time after two maternity leaves from a better job in her field. She described being “stuck at home” with crying kids, feeling “overwhelmed.”
Her husband works full time, arrives home late, spends 10 minutes with them, eats a leisurely dinner and goes out with friends. She’s too tired to join them.
I felt compassion for her, having once been in a similar position — stuck home with young, fussy kids, with a then-husband whose job truly required unusually long hours.
I knew then, and have seen over the years since, that it’s essential to rule out postpartum depression, as a starter. PPD can sap an exhausted, overwhelmed mother’s confidence and drive to find ways to handle or seek changes in her current situation.
I encouraged this writer to find time for her own needs and interests, and to stay fit … all suggestions admittedly mostly aimed at her well-being, because her letter sounded so hopeless.
That’s a worrisome mood for anyone to endure, and especially for a mother of youngsters.
Bur I regret that I didn’t go on to drop a second question, and use that space to address the matter of her husband’s taking a free pass and not relieving her in caring for their kids.
Even if his job is in an essential service and demanding, he can take over parenting time on weekends, stay home most nights with her and be a companion, do some laundry, cook, participate in their joint role of raising a family.
Though I mentioned looking to “her own needs,” I would hope she’d find a mothers’ group where she’d get to share ideas and strategies with other women in the same situation.
Their companionship and tips could encourage her to seek a better schedule and situation, and likely urge her to speak up to her husband about pitching in, too.
Here are some of the readers’ comments worth repeating:
Reader No. 1: She very well may have depression, but what she’s really got is a third child who needs to grow up and act like a parent.
Reader No. 2: If the situation goes on long term, where one parent has 95 per cent of the responsibility for the children while the other gets to goof off with friends, the marriage will eventually suffer.
Reader No. 3: Why didn’t he take paternity leave for their second child so she could go back to her career? Why is he going out with friends while she does the childrearing?
Reader No. 4: One year of mat leave is wonderful for children in families where children are seen as a shared project.
Alone, it’s a recipe for madness for women who are accustomed to being intelligent and engaged.
If you’re unsatisfied working part time and/or staying at home with the kids, go back to work full time. Having children doesn’t mean you have to be a stay-athome-mom.