Family tension likely has history
Q My wife and I have been married 60-plus years and have three sons, now in late middle age. We provided everything we could to them growing up. We thought we were doing well with them. The two older ones have two children each. We haven’t seen or heard from those sons nor three of the four grandchildren for many years. Our youngest son lives with us, unmarried, and our youngest grandchild always calls us. It’s very disheartening when you raise a family and never hear from them. We’re in our early 80s and go to sleep many nights wondering if we will see our offspring before we die.
Sad
A The simple details you’ve included are sad indeed, but they do not tell your relationship story. I’m hoping that you and your wife have some idea of what that story really is, because no matter one’s age, understanding what happened between onceclose people is better than just feeling abandoned.
I’ve received many accounts where adult children end contact with parents. Some cite reasons like favouritism to another sibling during and after childhood years. Or they feel some injustice from their parents’ handling of finances, support to one child, wills, etc.
Of course, there’s always another side. And it’s possible that there was misinterpretation or wilful nastiness on either side. Something happened within your family circle. If you truly don’t know what it was, then for some reason you didn’t recognize it and didn’t ask.
Maybe your live-in son or your youngest grandchild knows.
But you can still reach out. It may be one last time, yet you may gain insight, a chance to try and right something that went wrong. If not, spend these precious years enjoying the relationships you do have with one son and grandchild. Most important, you and your wife need to love, support and understand each other.
Feedback: Regarding the mother whose financial circumstances have changed, and can’t afford the same expensive gifts for children and grandchildren.
Reader No. 1: The issue here is that so far she’s behaving like “before.” And her children don’t realize what the reality is. They’re used to something as it has always been.
The best way is just change the behaviour. Do not buy scotch for her son. Do not buy expensive gifts. Ask for help when Christmas is coming. Mention that the fridge is empty when she babysits. (Ask: Should I bring my own food?). The kids will eventually get used to the new reality — or not.
Reader No. 2: She should do what we did many years ago. We sent donations in the children’s names to Make-A-Wish Foundation. She could incorporate this into the entire family — should she wish. She can use whatever charity appeals to her.
Ellie: An excellent suggestion. The amounts she donates is her business. Charities need and are grateful for the financial boost at every level. The gesture also helps children grow up aware of other people not having all the same benefits and privileges they have, hopefully instilling some humility and gratitude.