Compassion is noble, but sleep is essential

Q My elderly overseas relative keeps calling me in the middle of the night. He’s my “acting grandfather” (his sibling, my real grandfather, died young). He’s lived in Singapore for 60-plus years, never married or had children. He acted as a fatherly figure from abroad to his two nephews and later, as grandfather to their children.

His health and memory have steeply declined. He’s now in a nursing home. Singapore is 12 hours ahead. Early afternoon there is very early morning here. Recent calls were at 3 a.m., then 4:30 a.m. because he forgot we had spoken earlier.

When I answer, I hear repeated information from prior calls or gibberish. But when I don’t pick up, he leaves panicked messages.

My wife and I have two kids under age four. We’ve had to unplug the phone every night.

He’s treated me well and I wish to honour him as the family patriarch, but I’m at my wits’ end.

Sleepless

A Your consideration for this fine man is deserved, and compas- sionate. But your energy for your own life has to be maintained. His memory won’t improve, there’ll be repeated information and untimely calls ahead. Unplugging the phone so you can sleep is one necessary step.

Contact his nursing home supervisor to explain, when he panics because you don’t answer, that it’s nighttime here and you’ll call him later. Send photos of your wife, yourself and children to him. They’re an important visible link and reminder that you care about him.