Having another baby should be family decision

QHow do I, without a blow up, discuss my feelings for wanting another child with my husband of eight years?

We have a five-year-old daughter. He has three boys from a previous marriage — from teenage to early-20s.

When our daughter was a baby, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Suddenly, my life as a new mom was very stressful, busy and hard. I’d love to have another child and enjoy that short-lived baby time. We would’ve entertained this possibility sooner but my mom passed away and time flew by.

My husband is nine years older than me and I feel my biological clock is ticking.

The Baby Deadline

AYou two have been through a lot — from divorce through raising his sons, to a daughter’s birth and the loss of your mother. You were partners through it all. Now he’s apparently resisting you — perhaps due to his age, or the practical concerns of supporting and educating a fifth child.

Your biological drive to get pregnant while you can carries some weight. Yet, the stated reason — for you to enjoy baby time — isn’t strong enough to help him change his mind.

Make your approach as much about him and you’ll have a better chance.

Here’s the best argument that I often hear: The youngest child born to an older father is often the one that keeps him feeling young, and is around longest with youthful interests and activities that engage him and the whole family.

QI met my fiancé online and we spent a year getting to know each other through Skype before he moved across the country to live with me.

He knew that my daughter, 19, lived with me and they “met” on Skype. But when he arrived and moved in, they were both uncomfortable. My fiancé didn’t try to build a relationship with her. She moved in with her father, which she’d never wanted to do previously. She and I communicate almost every day. Yet my fiancé is still distant with her.

She visited a couple of days ago and he stayed in our room, saying he needed to straighten out his papers. Later, I asked why he avoided her and he said he “couldn’t drop everything just because she decided to visit.” I’m very upset and can barely talk to him. Should I tell him I’ll break up with him if he won’t accept my daughter as part of our life?

Torn Between Them

ADon’t rush to an ultimatum. Instead, tell him how you feel, without casting blame — i.e. you’re hurt and worried about how this can affect you as a couple. Calmly ask how he feels about it, and how he thinks it affects things between you.

If he doesn’t get how important this is to you, or insists that it’s your daughter’s fault, you two need counselling or your relationship won’t last past another cold “visit.” Be positive: You want to try, together, to rise above whatever went wrong. If he wants that too, then getting counselling together is a commitment on both your parts to face problems and find ways to handle them.