Man should show kindness and end this relationship

Q I’m a man, 66, stuck between a six-year relationship and starting a new one. The old relationship isn’t going as before and is becoming a problem, with her moved into a retirement home and always wanting me to run there and see her a lot. She’s not giving me any space to enjoy life and see other people and places. I’m not married to her. I want to be happy with a very special person, which isn’t easy to find. How do I handle this rough time?

Caught Between

A Your letter shows that for some people, the search for happiness sometimes never ends. The challenge for most of us throughout life, however, is knowing for sure what brings happiness, and what decreases or shatters it. Apparently, you were happy with the first woman for several years, but her move to a retirement home has restricted your sense of freedom. If you care for her as a person (why else be together for six years?) you must realize that she’s now much more restricted than you are, and she’s trying to adjust. But you’ve already started moving on. There’s someone else whom you want in your life, instead. These things happen, though it sounds somewhat harsh for the woman who must accept being left behind just when she most needed her once-closest companion. Nevertheless, that relationship is already over in your mind, so tell her. Be honest and be kind. Say that your lives are in different modes now, that you care about her and will visit her occasionally, if she still wants that. (Mean it, at least for a while.) Reader: Regarding the fiancé who avoids his partner’s daughter. My friend has been in the same situation with an adult daughter. The new husband never seemed to be able to have a relationship with her. But otherwise she couldn’t have wished to have a better father. He did whatever — and more — he could for her benefit. Her own father wasn’t in the picture. Eventually, we all realized he’s like that with many people, if he hasn’t known them for a very long time (other than his ‘new’ wife). She’s very happy in their relationship. The daughter turned out just fine — she learned to accept him as he is. All is good. The fiancé may just be uncomfortable, and maybe she shouldn’t be pushing, unless there are problems. When the daughter’s visiting, accept him as he is and have women-only visits.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. ellie@thestar.ca