Make sure partnership is equal

Q My husband of 15 years recently said that he’s no longer in love with me and needed time to figure things out. He’s staying with his brother. Our two sons and I are in the family home, which is now for sale. He rarely visits and only talks about the kids or the house. Now he’s convinced that it’s over for good. He said that it’s because I keep bringing it up and never gave him space. He’s detached and wants to move on. Is there any chance if I stop talking about us and give it time? He doesn’t want a divorce, just to separate, presumably because it’s cheaper. How should I proceed? I’ve told him that I love him and don’t want to lose our family.

A Red flags — he’s calling the shots: To live where he wants and not allow you to even talk about your marriage.

It’s shocking that the house where his and your children live is already for sale. Get your own legal advice about that immediately to review if that’s the right thing for you and the kids.

See your bank manager and an accountant or financial adviser (not one working with him), and ask about joint bank accounts and any assets/investments.

By him not allowing discussion, the absence of marital counselling, and you focusing only on wanting him back, you’ve so far ignored all the practical considerations that’ll affect your future and that of your children.

Don’t be afraid to confront him with strength of purpose. Even if you still love him, he needs to know that he’s dealing with an equal whose future is also at stake.

Q I’ve been dating a woman for three years. We’re both in our 50s. Our relationship was initially beautiful; then she experienced intense depression, which I faced with great patience (sometimes wondering if the numerous medications were really helping). Last summer, I had to work elsewhere for a month, and she wouldn’t keep contact. When I returned, I was restricted to seeing her only on specific days. She said, “I need a break in order to make our union strong.” And, “I’d like to put you in the freezer and take you out when I’m ready.” She wants “no commitment,” with me waiting until she’s ready to be my girlfriend. What should I do?

A Like a mirror opposite to the above question, this time it’s the woman being the controller and you kept hoping.

Have any of the people treating her depression said she’s not capable now of making a longterm connection?

Whatever the answer, she should be sharing it with you.

I’m inclined to say walk away. But if you still love her, tell her so. Then set a timeline for the break, one that feels reasonable for you.

You have a life to settle, too.