Good ways to stay in touch with adult kids

Dear Readers: For Christmas Eve — with its underlying message of hope that can be applied to all people concerned about the future for themselves and their families — I’ve chosen a reader’s question that spans three generations, and deals with the most universal of relationship concerns: How we humans treat each other.

Q At what point should a parent expect adult children to become less self-absorbed and show more interest in others around them (e.g. parents and grandparents)?

Our two adult children are smart, successful, lovely people. We’ve always shown them that we’d be there for them — help them, support them, listen when they have difficulties.

We’ve discussed with them in recent years that perhaps it’s time for them to take some initiative in contacting their loving/caring grandparents, also calling us to see how we’re doing and reaching out to each other as siblings.

But only when we make contact or have everyone over do we hear from them (unless they need something).

We’re hurt by this behaviour and tired of reminding, “Your grandmother is sick, maybe you should call her?”

We always made the effort with our own parents and grandparents, to show them love, keep in touch and be supportive of them.

Now we’re at a loss. Do we pull back from our adult children, so they see that they need to make an effort if they want family in their life?

Thinking of Withdrawing

A It’s not just the time of year that should help you think this through. It’s also the time of life and the period in which you and your adult children are living that can help with your response.

Your adult children are busy, even busier than you were at their age. You may’ve struggled more to get ahead, perhaps with less support and other disadvantages.

But there’s no doubting that younger people are living with a faster-moving, ever-changing culture, where work-life now has 24-hour demands through the internet, email, texting, social media and other technologies.

Do these comparative lifestyle realities excuse younger adults from any responsibility to maintaining family ties? Of course not. Rather, they should help the generations understand that change requires new adaptations and expectations.

For me, withdrawing from your grown-up children isn’t a reaction that makes sense. Join their communication mode and text to ask how they’re doing, then text about what’s happening with you. Tell them how their grandparents are and continue to arrange those get-togethers for the extended family.

Meanwhile, keep loving them; you need each other.