Husband’s bad behaviour must change

Q My husband left me for someone else when I was pregnant with our fourth child. He and that other woman were then off-and-on for two years.

Recently, he said that he loves me and wants to try again.

I agreed, as I do love him still and my kids miss him like crazy.

During the two years away from us, he only made time for the children on weekends and only if his then-girlfriend was busy.

After he told me that he wanted to try being together again, I discovered that he was on a dating app. Now he’s met someone else on that app but claims they’re just friends.

Sometimes he doesn’t call me and when I call him, his phone is off or he doesn’t answer. I think he’s with the new woman.

He was coming over a lot more after he talked of getting together again, then stopped around the time I found her wallet in the family vehicle. I know he’s not being honest with me.

My kids and I deserve better. Everyone keeps saying I need to let him go, but I don’t know how. We’ve been together for 17 years, married for 12. I’m afraid that if I tell him I’m done with him, he’ll stop coming around altogether and hurt my kids terribly in the process. What do I do?

A Show him what honesty and integrity look like. Tell him that you won’t accept his lies or having you and the kids treated so indifferently.

Get informed about the rights and responsibilities of both parents in a legal separation. Then tell him he has to understand where his behaviour is leading.

It’s emotional abuse of the children when he regularly avoids them and periodically abandons visits altogether.

It’s also total disrespect of you, for him to come back then soon cheat anew.

Your role is to protect your children from frequent hurt and disappointment, and protect yourself from betrayal.

If you accept his current behaviour, he’ll have no reason to change. Show strength, insisting that it’s time to either work on the marriage or accept a legal separation including child support and scheduled visits.

Q I share a weekly cleaner with my friend and she caught the woman stealing.

We were both shocked, as she’d been working for us for a year. We’d both liked her and felt she was honest and trustworthy.

My friend fired her, of course, and hired a new cleaner from the same community.

This new person knew about the theft and said my friend should’ve reported it to the police. But my friend didn’t want to ruin the woman’s life. She felt it was an isolated incident and not representative of hard-working people working in other people’s houses to send money to their own families half a world away.

Was my friend wrong to not report the theft to the police?

A Many people will say she should’ve reported this woman’s theft. But your friend’s act of empathy and kindness represents who she is.

Landing the woman in jail, with her possibly facing deporting can, indeed, ruin her life.

Instead, her community of domestic workers saw the goodness that exists in employers like your friend. That’s healthy for everyone involved in a homebased working relationship.

I’m with your friend.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.