Couple needs grief counselling

Q My boyfriend’s wife of more than 20 years died two-and-ahalf months before we met. I was vulnerable too then, in the process of divorcing my children’s father.

Both of us felt something really special. He said he loved me more than his wife, whom he’d once loved deeply.

We discussed his grief process — which he thought he had prepared for as she was battling cancer.

He even told his adult kids about loving me. My little kids got very close to him and love him so much.

Sadly, six months into our relationship, he started truly grieving, which is something I wasn’t expecting.

It would’ve been easier for me to understand if it had started happening closer to the date of his loss.

I’ve been selfishly focused on how I feel whenever he’s sad about her. When he’s having a bad day, he doesn’t call or text me with the usual frequency. He wants to be alone (which I find understandable).

But I’ve been growing apart from him because I feel rejected. I now understand that he doesn’t love me more than he loved her, and it’s caused me pain and anger with myself for believing him before.

He still says he loves me deeply and doesn’t see his life without me and the kids. His plans for both of us haven’t changed. I still love him.

But my selfishness doesn’t allow me to support him. We’ve talked about it.

Should we continue our relationship or should I just end it and let him go through his grief process?

Desperate but Selfish

A His grief is internal and undirected at you even though it affects you.

You need to get help dealing with this, because selfishness and distancing when a loved one’s in an emotional crisis is a huge mistake.

You may end up with neither the love of this man, nor the important lessons for your own children about how family members can pull together when facing painful situations. It’s not a time to shatter and run from a serious problem.

He needs grief counselling, and so do you. You’re mourning immature beliefs that he can’t have had a love so deep for longer than the one you now share.

You’re using “selfishness” to mask a bid for more attention, and silently punishing him.

Get counselling instead of running away.

Q I have an eight-year-old son and a four-month-old daughter. Her father and I have lived together for over a year.

I discovered that he was cheating. It took months before I could forgive him.

When left to visit my parents, I discovered that he did it again.

Confronted, he told me to also cheat. I asked him to leave. He refused and blames me for his actions.

I can’t live with a dishonest man. I love him but I’d rather lose the relationship than lose myself in it.

Need to Leave

A Gather all your support, from your parents, close friends and from your community.

His blaming you may lead to angry behaviours. If he threatens or harms you, call police for a restraining order against him.

You may need a safe plan to leave him. Use a private computer (at a public library, or a friend’s home) to search for a women’s/family shelter. Social workers there will help you relocate, find a job, child care, etc.

If abuse is not a concern, state firmly that you cannot live with him. Either he leaves or he helps you do so.

His suggestion to both cheat shows no respect for your relationship. Or for your health, regarding sexually transmitted infections.

With two children relying on you, choose them. Leave him. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday Follow @ellieadvice