In a heated family rivalry, respect spouse’s wishes

Q I’m strongly disliked by my wife’s family because I discovered how one brother led a surprisingly affluent life.

His employment was terminated 25-plus years ago, and his wife never worked. Yet he owned a large house, two cars, a boat and trailer, and a golf cart, among other things.

After losing his job, he cared for a wealthy aunt. When she died, he and his wife cared for another wealthy aunt until she died. Then, they took over caring for his aging mother.

My financial background is in white-collar crime investigations. I soon figured things out. They quickly realized this, though I never told anyone, not even my wife.

The couple started having family conference calls about me, claiming that I was likely abusing their sister. But their mother loved me.

I’d never even hinted to her what was going on, even when the couple bought a new car called “mom’s car” with mom’s money. She knew nothing about it. When the siblings inherited, none knew that it was far less than it should’ve been. I’ve not interacted with this family for years. My wife has final-stage Alzheimer’s disease, and her family has stayed distant.

When my wife passes, should I include the brother and sister in her obituary, or should I omit them?

I’ve been the sole caregiver during this long and arduous journey with my wife, and her family’s offered nothing.

A Here’s what matters now: You helped your wife through the sad, frustrating difficulties of her mental and physical losses. Her relatives lacked the character to help, given their fear and dislike of you. No surprise to you.

Though you didn’t tell your findings to your wife, you don’t say how she reacted to the family conferences, and whether she maintained a relationship with her brother and sister-in-law.

For the obituary, do what she would’ve wanted. It’s this gesture that’s your link to her, not what you feel about the relatives. Reader: Regarding living with a controlling wife, who, post-divorce, alienated children from their father.

My message to them is to keep positive and believe in yourself for the good person you’ve always been. Get some support through a doctor or a true friend.

While divorce and separation are difficult, it’s worse when you have a spouse who’s out to destroy you. In my case, it was the games, the calls to police, not showing up for visitation and just taking support money and using it for herself. Worse was telling the kids their father’s a deadbeat and does not want to see them. And even preventing me from seeing my kids through accusations that I was sexually abusing them.

After a few years of therapy, medication and booze, I met a friend who supported me and got me through the bad times.

Years later, when I connected with the now-adult children, they were bitter and hateful like the mother, which is really most sad. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday