Therapy can help get over relationship

Q I dated a man for 11 months and fell in love. He wooed me with small but meaningful presents. He’s 52, I’m 48, we’re both divorced but he’d had a few serious relationships before he met me. I was thrilled when he suggested we move in together. We chose somewhere new to us both as our home. Things seemed very different from the start. Though he’d admired my previous condo decor, he became coldly critical of my same furnishings in the new place. Yet he didn’t offer to buy new pieces together. He expressed dislike for much of my wardrobe, though he’d seen me in those same clothes before. When I tried to talk with him about what this was all about, he’d forcefully call me “difficult” and then shut down. He couldn’t seem to stand not immediately being “right” or getting his way. After a major disagreement, he slept on the living room couch for three nights. Nothing I said could get him to talk to me at all throughout those days or evenings. From then on, there was rarely even a chat. The next major conflict was one month later when I told him I’d be home late due to having dinner with my three closest girlfriends. When I returned, he was back under covers on the couch. After only four months living together, I told him I’d leave him as soon as I found a place. He simply nodded. I’m still reeling from it all. Can you help me make sense of this?

— Stunned but Better-off Single

A The good news is that you knew when to get out of a situation that would drag you down further.

Seeing a therapist yourself would be helpful to get past the shock of so much change, disappointment and hurt in such a concentrated time.

My own experience receiving advice requests from both men and women with similar stories:

The reaction you describe to someone “not getting their own way” can be likened to a child’s tantrum or a sulk. It may’ve worked in their childhood and teens at home and in young relationships.

Behaviourist psychologists consider actions that include angry outbursts, aggression, and rage as maladaptive. If partners try to stay, many get “stuck” because the emotional abuse wears down their self-confidence.

You took charge of your emotional health and future by leaving. Counselling will help.

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Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.

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