Parents must help son deal with divorce
Q I’m 37 and just broke up with my husband of 13 years.
I’m worried about how my 10-year-old son will adjust to living between two parents, especially since his father has always worked long hours and late. I’m considered smart but I’m feeling pretty dumb. I married a man who said he was “ready to settle down.”
Not exactly a passionate proposal. But that’s all it took for me to believe that I’d be “complete” as a married woman.
It didn’t work. It turned out that I still needed to become a great success at work, a great mother to my child as the more-present parent and a great wife running the household. That took all my energy, and for years I missed realizing that he was not the “great” husband that I needed to complete the picture.
I feel like a failure in my own production. My husband wasn’t home until late, needed dinner immediately and was never interested in sex.
Was I not sexy enough for him? Even when he occasionally sought intercourse, there was no emotional intimacy.
He also considered his businesses as much more important than my job, and resented my passion for my work.
I went to counselling to discuss how to keep our small family together. He only attended once and said the problems were all in my head, he felt things were fine. I couldn’t stay in a marriage that made me feel like I was constantly pushing a heavy weight but not getting to where I’d be happy. Did I fail at my marriage?
Not Smart
A You called a halt to a marriage that wasn’t working on several levels. You had a distanced husband who showed little interest in you, your work or your connection to each other.
Add your own emotional needs plus personal ambitions, it’s obvious that you weren’t going to become a happier, more loving couple, and the home environment would reflect that.
By separating — if both of you stay committed to jointly raising your son with love and shared responsibilities — he may have far more positive benefits.
Still, you should watch his adjustment carefully and both talk to a counsellor experienced with children of divorce about the best methods to help him.
Focus on making sure any new plans for where and how you live, and whom you eventually date, come from the experienced, capable and self-confident adult you need to be.
Q My common-law wife was caught sexting another man from work. She said nothing happened, just a kiss and butt grab, but feels terribly over it.
I’ve had this happen to me in past relationships and the thought of it makes me so sick I can’t sleep or eat. She said she won’t talk to him or do it ever again. How can I ever trust her?
Cheated On Again
A She made a very thoughtless mistake. She’s taken responsibility and wants to prove that she can be trusted. However, she must’ve known about your past relationships and how deeply you were hurt by others. So, her sexting/flirting flashed bad memories to you. Time will tell clearly if she’s sincere about never letting this happen again.
If you love her, give her that chance and don’t dwell on this one episode. Tell her that you won’t be able to live with a second one. She’ll know you mean it.