Violent past not easy to forget
Q My fiancée and I have been together for five years. My problem is that whenever we face challenges, she brings up issues from our past. I was violent, about which I’m not proud. It hurts me a lot because I hate what I did to her and she knows how sorry I am. The other thing is that she’s not active like she used to be in our sexual relationship, which I feel bad about. Please help.
Past is Over
A Violence isn’t easy to forget. After the pain is long gone, fear and humiliation linger, even for years. She’s stayed with you. And you’ve apparently gained some control over whatever caused you to lash out violently. Now, like all couples, you face some challenges. And that’s likely when she remembers what you did to her.
She’s frightened that these difficult times and/or strong disagreements will arouse an explosion of your anger against her, potentially including physical abuse. She needs you to understand that she carries that trauma deep within. It affects her reactions when there’s tension between you, and it’s undoubtedly affecting her ability to relax during sex.
If you didn’t get counselling in the past — individually and together — now is the time for it. You need help to resolve the past, not just forget it.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday
Send questions to el[email protected]tar.ca Follow @ellieadvice