Look beyond beauty when seeking a partner

Q I’m a 45-year-old bachelor. How do I find a beautiful lady to share my loving life? I’ve never been in a relationship.

A I’ve not included your entire email as I’m not a matchmaker, nor do I have a dating site.

Here’s my search for a relationship advice:

Start your search for a life partner by thinking about the lasting couple relationships which you’ve seen and known, that consistently appeared happy and healthy. Perhaps, like many people, you didn’t see that quality of connection between your parents. Perhaps, too, it’s why you’ve never had a relationship, and part of the reason why you’re a bachelor at 45. The good news is that you can still learn how to be open, caring, kind, respectful and find happiness with someone you love. Start reading/learning about relationships and the ways to improve them.

However, don’t make the finding of “a beautiful lady” as your main goal. You’ll just be in line with many more experienced but shallow men who’ll get there first. Seeking someone with a beautiful mind, a lovely smile and open heart is far likelier to help you meet someone you can love, respect and trust.

Reader: Regarding a second-time divorcée at 39. It’s so easy to divorce and blame the other person. It takes two to run a relationship into the ditch. Too often, I hear from single people of all ages that no one wants to work on the relationship anymore.

My wife would come home from work, make dinner then park in front of the TV and not move. Later, she’d be baffled when she felt like getting romantic an hour after I’d gone to bed and wasn’t interested.

The woman I dated this past fall had complaints about her first husband, different complaints about her second husband and other complaints about her live-in boyfriend of eight years.

She was my dream date for seven weeks until her true personality came out, and we became incompatible as she had complaints about me, too.

She had to be right. She wanted to be told she was right even when she wasn’t. She couldn’t stand being wrong.

When my wife moved out, I went to the library and discovered self-help books. I’ve read close to 60. They are a true eye-opener, as most are written by women for women and the perspective is interesting.

They’re also an eye-opener when you read about a behaviour that’s bad for relationships and you realize that it’s something you do.

Ellie, you suggested to this woman that she practise the art of compromising.

Maybe if she’d done that, she might still be married. While it takes two to wreck a relationship, all too often we are quick to give up.

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Send questions to ellie@thestar.ca Follow @ellieadvice