Run — for the sake of the children
Dear Readers: Today, it’s about emotional abuse.
The reason? When there’s a flurry of responses to a relationship issue that’s been mentioned in this column, we see how prevalent and painful some issues are. Fortunately, we also see how others have handled these difficult issues.
Reader: My husband didn’t shout, swear or outwardly display anger, instead he sulked. He was a quiet “smoulderer” who radiated negative waves.
I was lucky to have a profession and friends who gave me the validation I needed to (mostly) maintain my self-esteem. But his constant negative comments lowered my overall confidence.
Yet he did stuff with the kids and as a family.
I saw two different therapists during the divorce, as he’d told me I had a personality defect. One asked, “Have you always been a helper?” (I’m a nurse, so I have). The other told me, “You’ve been protecting him for years.”
Yes, I was always making excuses to myself and to the kids for his bad moods. The therapist also said, “A leopard doesn’t change its spots.”
Even vacations were somewhat stressful. He criticized everything — too many shoes on the shoe mat, a knife left on the counter, my family, our friends all had something wrong with them, he constantly was at the kids about something.
The oldest suffered the least. But since my husband got worse with age, the youngest got the worst of the negativity. He told me a couple years later that his dad’s leaving us was the best thing that happened to him or he “would’ve turned into a scared, insecure, person.”
The older child had a thicker skin and could ignore her father.
He made negative comments when I visited my family who lived five hours away.
He became increasingly less social. His unkindness became more evident.
Although I never thought I would leave, I lost all respect and love.
He sensed this and sought someone else to prop up his ego. He left.
I was almost overwhelmed by the thought of remaking my life at 51. However, life is wonderful now. I’ve remarried, although I didn’t rush.
My biggest regrets: I didn’t realize the negative effects on the children. I allowed him to distance me from my family. I twisted my “self” into a different person to keep peace.
I fear that my son, unfortunately, still has some underlying insecurities.
My ex married his “affair partner” (actually a nice woman) as soon as he could after the divorce, before she really had a chance to see his true personality or clue in to the signs. In the years since, I’ve heard through the grapevine that he has not changed.
Tell your letter-writer to “run, not walk” to the nearest exit. Or the damage to the children will be far greater than their parents’ separating.
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