Readers weigh in on dating

Dear Readers: Some relationship advice questions and commentaries seem to grow legs after a day or two. Such is the case with the one written by a woman signed, “Fed Up.”

Divorced after 20 years, she finally felt free to indulge her own tastes. But she also found it annoying the men didn’t pay attention to her dating rules that include no kissing and no sex.

Here are two reactions.

Reader 1: Change the genders and you have my story. I’m a male in my early 60s coming to the end of 20-plus years of marriage (in the final stages of divorce process). Right now, I have absolutely no desire to get close to anyone, although I do enjoy the companionship and company of intelligent women.

I’m still at the “peck on the cheek” stage at the end of dates, but am totally surprised at how many women are actually expecting more.

I am very open to “seeing how things develop,” but not after just one or two dates.

It actually sounds like “Fed Up” could be a person I could enjoy developing companionship with, and without the expectations of something developing that neither of us would want. Does she live in my area?

Ellie: I don’t reveal readers’ names, addresses or contact information. The intent of the column is to open a window on ways to deal with relationship issues, not to matchmake or provide a dating service.

But your feedback and the original question from “Fed Up” offer an opportunity for some advice: If you don’t want any of the byproduct behaviour of companionship with someone of the opposite sex, don’t seek people through “dating” apps or sites. And don’t call your get-togethers “dates.”

You’re clouding your baseline intent, which is to just enjoy someone’s company, with no emotional involvement. Good luck with keeping that message clear.

Reader 2: I think your response to the woman who wanted to date for companionship only was spot on.

My first thought was, why are you looking to dating apps and to men for this sort of companionship?

Why not cultivate friendships with other women to enjoy shared interests?

Clearly having a male escort is still a necessary accessory for this woman and she has some issues to work through.

Ellie: A strong point is being made here and it has to do with women’s self-confidence and self-image.

Having been married for 20 years before her divorce, the letter-writer appeared lost in the old-school images of her past: i.e. if seen at a concert or about her city, she must be accompanied by a man. To her, being out and seen with a woman companion is somehow a lesser choice. ellie@thestar.ca