No `perfect match' here
QMy sister is 10 years older than I am. She married a man who, for my parents and our family, seemed to tick every box as the “perfect match.” Soon they had two lovely boys.
My sister was smart, but put aside going to university and personal ambition to give these two little boys a very happy home life. None of us — neither family nor close friends — knew that she was living with serious disappointments and doubts in the relationship.
It soon became clear to her that, although her husband wanted to “settle down” with a wife, he did not want much intimacy or distraction from his work, nor any let up of his own special interests.
She was on her own emotionally, but for her sons. I later learned she did try to get her husband to see how remote he was from her, but he just brushed her off.
When the boys went to school, she took up painting, and that opened up a whole new world and gave her renewed confidence in herself.
She asked her husband to attend marriage counselling with her. He refused. Instead, he suggested she stop painting, since it was distracting her with a false dream of having an artist's career.
She knew this tension could lead to leaving her husband and all that goes with divorce. She just couldn't see herself changing the boys' lives so drastically. So, she kept all the emotional turmoil to herself.
When the boys were 13 and
11, she could no longer bear her own despair. She saw a counsellor on her own, then a lawyer and she divorced.
She was right, her sons were devastated. Their father badmouthed her, yet also spent more time with them than ever before.
As they went through their teens, the older boy chose to see less of his mother, the younger boy became moody and morose and did poorly at school.
Knowing now all that I do about my sister's difficult and lonely marriage and its breakup seven years ago, I question whether the long-held belief about staying together until death isn't actually a cruel life sentence in such cases.
Witness to Sadness
A There's no easy time for getting a divorce. Even in a so-called amical breakup, the impact on children can be far worse than imagined. Then there are the property and financial divisions that can leave both sides feeling cheated and resentful. There's no certain answer whether early recognition resulting in leaving a failed union is a “healthier choice” than trying to make it work.
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