Sex a barrier in bedroom
Q Why can't my wife remember what I like in bed?
I love and respect her very much. When we met 12 years ago, she had just finished a sexless relationship and told me all the things she'd love to do; positions, wearing nice underwear and high heels!
I thought I'd hit the jackpot, having been in a similar marriage myself. But while still in the honeymoon period, she said she didn't think she could keep up with our having sex most nights.
I thought it was OK to slow down to once or twice a week.
I then asked if she'd sometimes wear stockings and high heels in bed for me as she had once mentioned.
She agreed at first. But then she'd forget. I'd remind her every four or five months to take that initiative.
I still find my wife attractive and very sexy.
I'd just like her to remember that I have feelings, desires and some things that I like, even though we're now 11 years older.
We currently have sex once a week, sometimes only once a month, mostly in the missionary position.
I've suggested we try therapy. We bought books to read together, but haven't done it. I've concluded that my wish is never going to happen again.
Not Sexist
A First, I'm preparing myself for the one-sided attack from men who will say, no matter what I write, “You always side with the woman!”
They're wrong, I don't. I'll try to understand what's going on for both your sakes.
Unusually, you each had previously accepted long near-sexless relationships. Little wonder you mutually expressed a strong desire for an active, varied sex life and soon found weekly sex agreeable.
Then you requested a specific fantasy; one she had mentioned herself but has frequently forgotten or ignored over 11 years.
Why? You seem to have no clue, so I'll raise some thoughts as guesses: 1) Neither of you have considered that she's actually having memory issues in her 50s; 2) She stopped finding the sheer stocking/heels image arousing or fun.
There's no real or honest communication about this, only your single-minded wish that takes the matter no further. So, yes to therapy.
There's no blame in this story, but there's a barrier between you that makes the stocking fantasy more significant than it need be between a loving couple.