Old issues lead to new conflict

Q Four years ago my 40-yearold son age accused me of saying awful things. He insisted that I attend counselling with him to improve our relationship or I would not see my granddaughter ever again. I studied my old emails and found nothing offensive. We attended three sessions together, and the therapist battered me for my actions, despite no proof for the criticism. We didn't book another appointment. I cannot talk to my son about it because he will cut off access to my granddaughter. Four years later, I'm still nervous about talking this over with him. At counselling, I realized he was the one with the problems and was blaming me.

Things are good now, but I'm anticipating the next assault. I fear he will cut me out of his life, his wife's life and his daughter's life.

My husband, his stepfather, was told six months ago that he had always loved him and still does. And that he'd been a large part of my son's life and helped him become a success.

We made sure he could afford post-secondary education through investments. We allowed him to make smallish mistakes and to learn from them. He was a good kid.

But for one year when he was 10, I had horrible anger issues due to his father wanting full custody. I became angry at everyone.

I soon apologized, and felt better for it. A therapist told me that anger is triggered by something — which is usually depression. I now resolve things as they happen. But I cannot ask what triggered my son's angry actions.

A Stone in my Heart

A Your adult son is depressed and acting out against you. It's painful and unfair, especially when it also separates you from your granddaughter and from having family time together.

So, what choices can help you get past this? Less self-defending and more concern for his well-being. You've already had the therapy to recognize your own anger issues and overcame them.

You were a caring mother for most of his upbringing. But the divorce and adjustment were hard on him, and you, too, due to your anger then.

Return to the role of loving, forgiving parent, which seems what he's after. Ask how you can be supportive to him.

Try virtual contact instead of emails, so you're both responsible for what you say in the moment rather than dissecting emails later.