Couple was a mismatch
Q I had been dating a wonderful woman, but from the beginning she's frequently talked about her past relationships.
We all have a past. I get that. But I prefer to go forward and build our own future, including new and old friends we meet together.
I've been previously married and have grown children. I never talk to my ex, only my children. This woman had never been married. Her exes are past boyfriends and they keep in contact.
Recently, when we were going away for one night, she contacted an ex to stay at her house to look after her cat. He had no car and she was going to pick him up. She asked if I was OK with this. I said I wasn't comfortable with it.
It led to our discussing her contact with ex-boyfriends. She said that I was controlling her friendships that were before my time with her. Consequently, we broke up.
I don't mind any friendships, male or female, but when a person has had a sexual relationship with someone, to me it changes everything. The fact that her exes are still in and out of her life goes beyond my boundaries and comfort zone.
I wouldn't show this behaviour to her out of respect. I find no point in contact with ex-girlfriends because the relationship is over. I don't think it's healthy for a relationship to have ex-sexual partners around. Am I wrong?
The Ex Factor
A It isn't a matter of whether you're wrong since you feel strongly about this issue. But it makes her wrong for you and you wrong for her.
Many “never-marrieds” have enjoyed single life precisely because they kept their friendships with people with whom they once had a relationship.
They'd got close, heard each other's stories, maybe met their families and best friends. When there were reasons to part, they didn't end that part of the connection.
In your case, previously married with children, friends were separate from your intimate life and sexual relationship at home. Had you stayed close to a former lover, your spouse might've felt you were cheating.
Meanwhile, your recent girlfriend was not cheating but her exes are too close for your comfort. Move on, or accept the situation and trust her.
ELLIE'S TIP OF THE DAY
In relationships, being right or wrong isn't as significant as being wrong for each other.
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