Partners must discuss any major changes
Reader 1: Regarding the wife who accepted a new job without any discussion with her husband.
I'm a husband who finds non-communication between partners inconceivable. When my wife wanted return to work full time — with both our children in school — we discussed how we'd feel and be affected, as well as how our children would feel, and the impact on their emotional needs, schooling and care.
Later, another position opened up, which involved travel. We expressed mutual concern about its effect on our children. We talked about the impact on me and my job, and on extracurricular and sports activities for the children. She got the job. It worked out fairly well.
Years later, another position arose in a city where we both wanted to move. We agreed on her applying for it. We then discussed the children's potential reactions (she'd be home only on weekends), the added workload for me and the changes in the family dynamics.
My wife got the job. She and the kids moved. I stayed back to clear up things, until we were all in our new place. Sometimes the move was very hard on all of us. I find it self-centred for anyone to get a new job and not discuss it with their partner, especially when it involves absences from the home. It's too major a change.
Reader 2: Is it ever OK to alienate a parent or spouse? My experience showed that sometimes there's no other choice! I separated from my spouse because he was an incorrigible criminal who was abusive with his three-yearold son. (After the separation his threats were so serious, I obtained a restraining order.)
He took me to court for access and I told the judge, “I do not think I need a lawyer, but I do think my sons need one.” He postponed the case while children's advocates got to know the boys and rendered their wishes in court. Nothing they said could convince my sons to allow their father access. Ultimately, they agreed that he could write and send letters and cards, but they weren't obligated to reply (he sent no letters or cards).
The only further communication was him sending one son a gift of a bag of stolen coins! Never did he contribute even $10 a month in child support, though he agreed it would've been easy for him to provide.
I would've loved to tell his sons that their father loved them enough to contribute to their care, despite his mental problems. (I never told them that he didn't love them, only that he had mental issues.)
Years later he started guilting his older son, then 14, saying he had an “obligation” to take care of his aging father. I told my son that he had no such obligation and his only responsibility was to remain a good student and prepare for his own future.
Now grown, the younger son maintains some communication with him and it hasn't served him well. I'm not sorry that I alienated my ex-husband from his children. But I do feel compassion for the unpleasant way his life has worked out, though it's all of his own making.