Pay attention to teenagers' mood swings

Q

I'm the mother of a son, 15, and a daughter, 13. I work from home so am more attuned to the children daily than their father. Both children experienced a lot of pandemic-induced loneliness from not seeing friends in person. Their adjustment to online learning took time and caused selfdoubts and frustration.

I've read that many similar-aged young people developed mental health issues during the past 15 months. I'm wondering whether I've been responding correctly to some of their reactions.

My daughter, who'd mostly been a cheerful, fun-loving girl, started showing puberty signals and became quieter and moody.

While that seemed part of the natural process, she suddenly, without discussion, dyed her hair blue.

My son became more distant. His bedroom door is usually closed, so it's been difficult to tell when he was playing video games from doing homework. He maintained some fairly good grades, but got a couple of lowered marks. He's also much less talkative than before, much less animated and sometimes seems removed from us all during a family meal.

I don't want to overreact but also to not recognize my children's innermost needs, and have them slide into depression or other seriously worrying moods and behaviour.

What's the significance of these signals? How should I handle them?

My Children's Mental Health

A

The first response I got from a school-based social worker, Andrea Kaye, who deals with youth displaying similar behaviours to those you’ve mentioned, is, “It’s complicated, because one thing can look like another. An adolescent can appear moody as if they’re isolating themselves, when they’re actually being appropriately social in these times by spending more time online.”

Still, you’re doing the right thing by paying attention. Kaye advises parents to “work on the relationship with a child by listening more than talking and being clear that if something ’s really going wrong, you’d be the person they could talk to.”

Is blue hair a strong signal? “Pick your battles but note changes and keep your antennae up. See it as an opportunity to talk to your daughter, or as information to keep watching while accepting it now.” Meanwhile, your son maintaining some good grades is a positive indication that he’s doing OK.

If he’s seeming “off,” you can maybe articulate concern, ask a few questions.

But when it comes to actually seeking help, Kaye notes that with teenagers, you need to get their “buy-in. You can’t just drag them off to a therapist.”

The easier time to get your child’s agreement to seek professional help is, “after a meltdown, when most young people will agree to go once.” Remember, difficult behaviours are a very normal part of youth. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore changes.

“The difficult tension for a parent is between taking care of their children and to allow them enough freedom to continue to work on their independence.” For help, contact your family doctor for referral.

But if an emergency arises, go straight to a hospital emergency department.

Most important, whatever plan you make has to be in collaboration with your teenager.

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