Values are dividing marriage

Q How can I keep my marriage going? We have two grown kids. The youngest still lives with us part-time. I love my husband very much, but we're different.

He's more adventurous, much stronger, loves to backpack, hike, canoe and back-country camp. I can't keep up to him.

Also, he's finding monogamy boring and wants to add people to the mix. He's met a couple online similar in age to us. They're into threesomes and foursomes.

I can understand that after 25 years things can get stale. But I'm not interested in the “lifestyle.” He's willing to join them on his own. He doesn't think it's cheating if I'm invited and he tells me who he's meeting. I don't think it's right.

I want him to love me for me and he can't change the rules after 25 years. I believe this is a fundamental difference of values.

Should I allow him to meet up with this couple on his own? I think he might regardless if I approve or not.

Divided On Values

A You're both approaching the brink of a breakup through responding with fixed ultimatums: He might enter into group sex liaisons “regardless if I approve or not.” You state, “he can't change the rules.”

That's exactly when the best decision is to take the issue out of a boxing-ring fight and talk to a counsellor — both separately and together. There are excellent psychotherapists and marital counsellors who can offer insights beyond his being “bored,” and you being “different” from him, once they've met you both.

He's restless, you're hurt. From what you've written, it's clear that you two maintained a divide between his outdoor, naturebased interests and your many years of feeling that you “can't keep up.” Even though you've loved the man dearly, you're no longer trying to keep up.

You both could've compromised years ago — with him having an annual wilderness trip with male friends while you pursued something gentler with girlfriends.

On another occasion, you and your husband could've tried a much gentler three-day canoe trip. Or a weekend away somewhere romantic.

Values are very important. But if your prime value is your marriage, start therapy to consider changes you two can comfortably, enthusiastically make so your marriage feel rewarding again.