Couple needs to have mutual discussions
Q I love my wife. She's a very good person, a great mother, attractive, friendly and always helping people.
She's very involved with our daughter, 10, and son, 12, always responding to their needs.
But we have one main problem: Every decision I make, she overrides. She does listen at first, but I can immediately detect her mind ticking over and finding some flaw in my plans. It's as if, though we've been together for 15 years, she still has to prove that she knows better.
Her field of social service work is community-based and she's great with her clients, which have included both individuals and groups, all done smoothly online during the pandemic.
I know that she uses good listening techniques and seeks compromises.
But with me, she's almost abrupt. “That won't work
...” or “You're making wrong assumptions ...” are among her responses to me.
Whether it's about something positive — for example, a special family outing — or something practical such as the need to replace our fridge, she'll stick to a different opinion.
It's annoying, frustrating and has made me feel disrespected, though like me, I know she still feels the love between us.
So, I'm stumped by what's causing her resistance to all my decisions.
Disrespected Partner
A It's hard to accept being both “loved” and “disrespected,” so, yes, something's amiss.
Your wife is clearly smart and accomplished, with excellent communication skills with clients and likely with your children, too.
But as a partner, she leans toward controlling, perhaps without even realizing it. However, even if she strongly believes she's “compromising” by given other views, she's missing the point.
You're raising personal, family-based and household decisions, not “community” issues. What's needed from her is mutual discussion for, against and/or her reasons for other possibilities.
But this undertone of control may've caused you over time to deliver your suggestions as confirmed plans. If so, it goes against everything in her training and work life.
For two loving partners, your way of relating to each other over decisions requires a re-set. But you both have to commit to it. Even short-term counselling would be helpful.
Or try it yourselves by jointly adopting a new rule: Every decision that involves your relationship and/or the children gets a period of each giving solid reasons, finding common ground and closing further debate.