Name game causing woes

Q I've been married for 11 years and have a four-year-old daughter. At the time of our wedding, I'd told my husband my desire to keep my last name.

I felt changing it would cause an identity crisis and being an only child, I didn't want my parents' lineage and history to end then and there.

I was also established in my industry and didn't want to change my name if it limited me when I'm ready for my next career move.

It wasn't what he was expecting. He'd assumed I'd take his last name but he agreed. I did say that if we had children, they'd be named after him as I didn't want my kids to deal with hyphenated last names.

I grew up with a hyphenated first name and that itself caused enough administrative issues which resulted in important documents with my name cut off and having to be corrected.

Today, now that our daughter's learning to write her name and is piecing her family tree together, she constantly tells me that her and her father have the same last name, but I don't.

It bothered me, but I figured she was just being a child stating things as a matter of fact. Recently, I overhead my husband telling her that only they share the same last name, but Mommy doesn't.

I asked him why he's saying that. His response was “Because it's true. You didn't want to take my name.”

I told my daughter that when she grows up, she can keep her name if she wants to if she decides to marry one day. I just left it at that, given that she's only four.

I feel like my husband is still sore about me keeping my last name all these years later, and is trying to make me feel bad about it now that I don't share the same last name as my daughter. Should I confront my husband about his behaviour or do I just let it go?

A Never “just let go” an area of obvious discord between yourself and your husband. You were clear about why you wanted to keep your name when you first told your husband. It was part of your family heritage that mattered to you, and part of your self-worth within your career profile.

You two need a calm, non-blaming and private discussion about why this still matters to you for those earlier stated reasons ... and further discussion why having your own name still bothers him. Your young daughter should not be placed in the middle of this discussion, at all.