The importance of remembrance: It's time to rethink how we keep loved ones' memories alive
A chiropractor’s table, a canoe and a bicycle. At first, these items don’t appear to have much in common. But they are among the special objects Isabelle Gallen, Beechwood Cemetery’s manager of funeral services, has seen families bring in to remember their loved ones. Remembrance is a significant aspect of grief — and one that makes up a critical piece of Beechwood’s services. It was also severely impacted by COVID-19, as for two years mandated restrictions limited how families were able to remember their deceased. Now, as restrictions have lifted, Gallen says it’s time to rethink how we keep loved ones’ memories alive.
“Families are looking to get closure,” says Gallen. “The COVID-19 restrictions have varied, so depending on when a loved one passed, some services had a capacity of just 10 people. If you have 13 family members, making that decision of who would attend was extremely difficult. We are seeing families reach out to us now to have a time to remember. That remembrance is essential for the grieving process.”
Nick McCarthy is Beechwood’s director of marketing, communications and community outreach. He says answering the question, “How do you want to be remembered?” is an important part of the process. This requires families to have conversations that remove the discomfort of pre-funeral or pre-celebration of life planning. Making decisions about remembrance while loved ones are still alive also lessens the burden for families during the difficult time of loss.
“I think what the pandemic taught us is that we need to talk to loved ones about what they want,” McCarthy says. “At the peak of the pandemic, families had three hours to decide their loved one’s plans. Without pre-planning, they were forced to make decisions at a moment’s notice. Have a meal with your loved ones, talk to them about what they want, have them share their thoughts.”
Beechwood can help to facilitate these conversations. For example, it offers resources, such as e-books, that make the dialogue easier. When it comes to the actual event — whether it’s a celebration of life, a reception or a traditional funeral — both Gallen and McCarthy say it is an opportunity to remember the deceased not only as you knew them, but also as the community knew them.
“It’s important that the community has an opportunity to remember, for example, my dad, because they were touched by him in a different way,” says Gallen. “He was a dad to me, but others in the community may have known him as a hockey player or a bridge player or one of their employees.”
Adds McCarthy, “During a celebration of life, you learn about different facets of your loved ones. A gathering like this allows the opening up of connections and seeing the numerous ways this human life has impacted others.”
Celebrations of life, says Gallen, are very personalized to the deceased. Friends and family often share stories and anecdotes that reflect their relationship with — and the character of — the deceased. A religious or cultural leader, or a relative or friend of the deceased may lead the gathering.
“A celebration of life is less formal than a funeral,” says
Gallen. “But the common factor is honouring the loved one by sharing memories. This is where we have seen people bring in special items. It is all about representing the spirit of that person.”
In fact, in looking ahead, McCarthy believes that due to the pandemic families may naturally gravitate to this way of remembrance. Because limitations were imposed on funerals — and families are now returning to hold gatherings — McCarthy says having a burial in private and a celebration of life with community may become a regular occurrence. This, he says, may also shed light on cemeteries as not just final resting places but spaces in which families can gather to continue their remembrance by celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and other milestones.
“When Beechwood was established during the Victorian era, cemeteries were a place where people visited their loved ones on a regular basis,” McCarthy says. “They even had picnics beside their loved ones. It wasn’t the finality you see now. We do, however, see the return to visit loved ones regularly with some of our communities. One is our Chinese community. During certain times of the year, members come to respect their ancestors and teach the next generation their history. This is what Beechwood aims for as well; continuing to share memories of loved ones in order to remember them.”
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