My Parents’ Proxy Wedding
Married an ocean apart on their journey to becoming Canadian
Inever asked my mom if she had ever dreamt of having a fairy tale wedding when she was a young girl. Regardless, I think it’s safe to say that she never got one, but she did end up with a heck of a good story!
Back in the 1950s wave of European immigration to Canada, of which my Italian parents, Pietro and Maria (née Tomasi) Salvador, were a part, some couples had a proxy wedding so that the process of immigration went smoother and the newlyweds could get on with establishing their lives in Canada with fewer delays.
In the past, a proxy wedding was held when one of the partners could not be physically present at the wedding, and so had a substitute person stand in. These days, a proxy wedding might also involve one or both partners being virtually present via Zoom or Skype instead attending a live ceremony.
In the case of my parents, my father was already here in Canada, trying to adjust to a new job and a new life in a new country. He learned that he could sponsor my mom to join him if they got married before she came over. The trouble was the whole process of having to go back to Italy to get married was expensive, time consuming and cumbersome. It would also cause him to lose his job in Canada and have to start the whole immigration process again. This was a thorny issue for many immigrants trying to establish lives in a new country, a sort of chicken and egg conundrum. Thankfully, because the Catholic Church recognized proxy weddings, they were also recognized in Italy. Canada also accepted the marriage designation of the host country, Italy in my parents’ case.
During their courtship, times were hard in the Northern
Italian region of Veneto where my parents were from. Both my mom and dad frequently left their little town of Corbanese to work in other regions for long stints at a time. Because of this, most of their courtship took place through letters.
Stand-in for the Groom
My dad really complicated things when he decided to come to Canada for a job opportunity—before he had a chance to fully discuss it with his fiancée. Imagine getting a letter from your fiancé saying, more or less: “Well, I went ahead and moved to Canada. We can still get married though, if you don’t mind my brother standing in for me. Then we can start our married life in Canada, together.”
The amazing thing is that my mom actually said “okay.” Now, that’s romantic! So, at 20 years of age, she found herself in an oce with my dad’s oldest brother, Nino, where they both signed the necessary papers to set up the proxy wedding. Though Nino had agreed to be my dad’s stand-in, my mom noticed how quickly he scooted back to the train station after the meeting, barely exchanging a few words of awkward conversation with her.
It was even worse at the wedding ceremony. Mom said she felt lonely, weird and nervous on the day of the ceremony, wearing her white dress and bridal veil, facing a man that wasn’t my father, but that she had to sort of pretend was, to profess her love and say her forever vows. She would have to concentrate hard to imagine my dad hearing those sacred promises, instead of his brother.
Needless to say, the obvious absence of the real groom from the ceremony was a bit surreal for everyone present.
Thankfully, there was some comic relief during the customary processional walk through town after the ceremony. At one point, the neighbourhood dogs got excited about all the confetti being tossed around among the villagers and did their best to snatch some of the “bomboniere”— a traditional Italian wedding candy—for themselves. The dogs’ hilarious commotion was a distraction that everyone seemed to welcome rather than discourage. My mom said the person who laughed hardest of all was Nino—an indication that he was as relieved as she was that the ceremony was over!
For his part, my dad marked the occasion of his wedding by slipping into a church in Toronto as the ceremony in Italy took place. There, he used his own imagination to promise his love and devotion to my mom in a solemn prayer to God. And then he went home.
My parents went on to raise four children in Ontario and renewed their vows on their
25th wedding anniversary: this time with my dad (and us kids) present! They had a loving and committed marriage until my dad passed away in their 40th year of married life together in Canada.
While my mom would never wish a proxy wedding on anyone, she can say she lived to tell the tale and reap the rewards of choosing to marry the man she loved, even though they were an ocean apart at the time. Although their road was not always lined with flowers and bomboniere, ultimately, it led my parents to a wonderful life in a great country.