A little po­lit­i­cal satire

Outdoor Lifestyle Magazine - - Contents - MATTHEW YEO­MAN – TORONTO, ON

Deep in a jun­gle in In­dia - okay, 15 min­utes out­side of New Delhi - Justin Trudeau is on a hike. A heavy back­pack has his shirt­less chest glis­ten­ing, a bright or­ange Topi cap adorns his head. The mar­i­juana ed­i­ble he took 45 min­utes ago, to re­ally ‘get away’ from his dif­fi­cult In­dia trip, is kick­ing in...

“Come to me, jun­gle crea­tures!” Justin says while kneel­ing on the ground. A macaque creeps through the branches. An ele­phant pushes a tree down to sit on. A Ben­gal tiger slinks in softly, silently, scar­ily.

“Male of mankind, why does your back­pack bear the mark of a red maple leaf?” asks Ele­phant.

“I am Cana­dian, and Cana­di­ans want peo­ple to know some­thing im­por­tant when we travel,” replies Justin.

“What is that?” cack­les Macaque with laugh­ter in ev­ery syl­la­ble. “That we are def­i­nitely not Amer­i­cans!” Justin says with a gig­gle. Macaque laughs so hard she falls from her tree onto Tiger, but Tiger doesn’t re­act. Tiger doesn’t re­act un­til Tiger kills.

“Why are you talk­ing to an­i­mals, Cana­dian male of mankind?” asks Ele­phant.

“I am here be­cause I have coined the word peo­ple-kind to free us all from gen­der bi­ased lan­guage. Like ‘mankind,’ the ‘mal’ of ‘an­i­mal’ is also gen­der-bi­ased. Don’t you feel its re­pres­sion?” he asks. The an­i­mals stare blankly.

“I shall free you...” Trudeau trails off, think­ing deeply on an­i­mal-based gen­der-bias.

Ele­phant whis­pers down his trunk to Tiger: “The Cana­dian male of mankind is tripping. Do you also smell the green weed on his breath?” Tiger does not re­act as Tiger is not about to kill.

Justin springs to his feet ex­cit­edly: “Ani-kind! That’s it! Ani-kind, I have freed you be­yond your cur­rent free­dom with lan­guage! Do you feel how free you are now!?”

Macaque feels that this is ab­surd as she says: “Cana­dian male of mankind, you make me chuckle many times, but your lan­guage brings me no closer to be­ing any­thing more than a chuck­ling chimp.”

“Mon­keys aren’t chimps, don’t for­get,” quips Ele­phant.

Macaque jumps and howls and curses Ele­phant: “Don’t for­get I’m awake while you sleep, Ele­phant. I want ac­tion from this male of mankind, not words. I’ll stay up late and cut you for speak­ing back!”

“Ani-kind! Please, stop fight­ing! You’re free from gen­der bias and should be friends!” Justin in­ter­jects. “I’ll give you a present if you stop.” The ani-kinds go silent as Justin opens his back­pack and proudly re­moves what’s in­side, a Cana­dian beaver!

“Tiger, na­tional an­i­mal of In­dia, I of­fer you the na­tional an­i­mal of Canada.” He sets the beaver down. “Mate with her, cre­ate a new an­i­mal which will bring ani-kind and peo­ple-kind of Canada and In­dia to­gether!”

Tiger re­acts...

Tiger kills...

“Tastes like Cana­dian ba­con,” purrs Tiger, “What does a Cana­dian male of mankind taste like, I won­der?”

Trudeau, sprint­ing away, yells back “We call Cana­dian ba­con ‘peameal’!”

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