STAN CHUNG

My hope for me, you, and the world is simple: we must learn to distinguish our emotions from our feelings.

Ever had a strong emotional reaction to someone? Ever felt extremely paralyzed by someone? Ever felt powerless even though you knew better? These are examples of emotional reactions that seem to control our bodies. Hurt people hurt others. Many of us have been hurt by trauma. Sometimes childhood trauma stays with us for decades and leads to violence, addiction and self-harm. Some families and communities are so hurt by trauma that they cannot feel anymore. The effects of trauma can last for generations.

When I was young, I cried at night because I thought my parents abandoned me when they came to Canada. As an adult, I thought that nobody would accept me and so I gave up on people before they could give up me. When my parents left Korea when I was three years old, the trauma caused emotional responses that continue today.

The child in me believes that people will abandon me.

So often, childhood events build a set of emotional responses to specific situations that seem beyond adult control. Most of the time, these emotional responses create a reaction deep inside the body. When I experience fear, anxiety, or emptiness, I feel so powerless. I feel so far away from managing these emotions. In fact, my fears manage me.

Do you see why people can get angry so quickly or why violence and selfharm is so easy to see in the world?

I think reacting to our emotions can cause us a lot of heartache. What if there was a better way? Hope is turning our emotion into a feeling. And then naming that feeling. And then questioning that feeling. Ask yourself, why do certain situations make me feel that way?

A feeling is not the same as an emotion. Neuroscientists say you can reprogram your brain and make it so that the person or situation doesn’t cause the same kind of stress anymore.

Sometimes, my heart says, I am feeling something very strong. And I begin to realize that I am experiencing anxiety, numbness, and fear. I begin to understand that I am having an involuntary response.

Then, and only then, I begin to understand that I don’t need to feel that way anymore.

You can, no matter what, always take a deep breath. Grab a moment before reacting and count your blessings. You can be imaginative. You can even acknowledge that the person in pain has their own healing, their own journey.

We all know how deeply all of us feel, especially when we are pretending to be reasonable. Whether we react or not, our hearts are impacted by the people and situations around us.

I think one of my biggest fears is my unwillingness to inspect certain emotions. I have a strong fear of strangers. This fear is rather unhelpful.

So now I name the fear and turn those emotions into acknowledged feelings.

I become mindful of remapping my fear and eventually reaching out my hand to the stranger. Hi, I am delighted to meet you, I say, and the fear changes shape. That process of understanding our deepest fears and remapping is, to me, the hope of the world.

If we are able to identify our emotions and turn them into feelings that we can acknowledge, then I think humanity can change.

If each of us can better understand our emotional reactions, then I believe the world can find more peace.

Put your hand to your chest and ask silently, how am I feeling? Listen to heart, your body and your breath. Name the emotion. Accept the feeling in your body. And say these words: “I am becoming aware of how I feel.”

Do you know the difference? An emotion is your body reacting involuntarily to stimuli. A feeling is your mind’s awareness of that emotion.

Knowing the difference is where hope begins.

Stan is the author of the book I Held My Breath for a Year which is available at Mosaic Books and Amazon.ca. Contact him at stanchung.ca. His column usually appears on Sundays.